Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

I Got Punked and She Got Played

November 1, 2014

gigilo

I like ’em rich and slightly gray
I thought she was the perfect prey
Just when I thought I had it made
I got punked and she got played

I didn’t know when to be afraid
I maxed her cards and sold her jade
But I couldn’t finish my charade
I got punked and she got played

She treated help like galley slaves
My work was like a small crusade
But when she caught me with the maid
I got punked and she got played

My best laid plans didn’t go so well
Now she’s in jail and I’m in hell
She sure knew how to work that blade
I got punked and she got played

by Richard W. Bray

Drowning Man

August 18, 2014

swimmer2

A crying kid
A hungry hound
Investigators
Asking round
An angry spouse
(That crazy shrew)
And a horny
Girlfriend too

I don’t know what I did
To cause this storm
I need to find a place
That’s safe and warm

Creditors with
Just one goal:
Obliterate
My tortured soul
No savings for
A rainy day
Three or four
Ex-wives to pay

My troubles grow and grow
Against my will
Like a snowball
Rolling down a hill

by Richard W. Bray

TMI Guy

June 13, 2014

weenie

Anybody sitting here?
Good Lord, I need a drink
Let me offer you some beer
You can tell me what you think
I’m in here every day
Drinking is my life
Wanna throw it all away
Since I lost my wife
She ran off to Beijing
With my business partner, Ted
She says he’s more exciting
And an animal in bed
So tell me, What’s your story?
It can’t be sad as mine
My father never liked me
And my mother dated swine
My people are afflicted
When it comes to crime
My sister was convicted
And my brother’s doing time
I didn’t catch your name
Would you like another shot?
They tell me I’m insane
I’ve mortgaged all I got
I’ve always been unhappy
You look like you work out
I’m doing pretty crappy
With psoriasis and gout
Didn’t mean to bend your ear
It’s just what I do
I’ve never seen you here
So tell me about you

by Richard W. Bray

Hiding from the Hurt

May 13, 2014

aaauntitled

You can take a bunch of pills
Drink that whiskey by the cup
But your anguish and your ills
Will survive if you wake up

Can’t hide from the hurt
You gotta love it like a friend
It tells you who you are
It tells you what you gotta mend

You can pack up all that pain
You can shove it down deep
But the hurt will still remain
It’ll surface when you sleep

Can’t hide from the hurt
You gotta love it like a friend
It tells you who you are
It tells you what you gotta mend

You can fill up every day
You can work around the clock
You can play and play and play
You can talk and talk and talk

Can’t hide from the hurt
You gotta love it like a friend
It tells you who you are
It tells you what you gotta mend

by Richard W. Bray

Non-Apology Apology

April 17, 2014

bad manners

I ate your lunch, but don’t you see?
You left it right in front of me
I’m sorry that you’re feeling cross
I’m sorry but you’re not my boss

All my friends thought it was funny
When I dipped your phone in honey
I’m sorry you can’t take a joke
I’m sorry you’re a stodgy bloke

I’ll raise some hell and make a fuss
I’ll fart and belch and shout and cuss
I’m sorry if you think I’m rude
I’m sorry you’re a silly prude

As long as everyone is free
I’ll be the man I want to be
I’m sorry you’re hung up on rules
I’m sorry you were raised by fools

by Richard W. Bray

Trumped

April 5, 2014

She was sultry, she was fine
But that vixen wasn’t mine
When her boyfriend busted in
He was angrier than sin
He teaches Tae kwon do
I’m in a cast from head to toe

My hunger
Trumped my fear
That’s why you’ll
Find me here

I tried to drive my car
After hitting sixteen bars
That kindly EMT
Asked me if I saw the tree
It’s a wonder I ain’t dead
But I’m handcuffed to my bed

My hunger
Trumped my fear
That’s why you’ll
Find me here

I can never get enough
I want everybody’s stuff
I know every single trick
I sneak right in and grab it quick
I tried it one too many times
Now I’m in Chino doing time

My hunger
Trumped my fear
That’s why you’ll
Find me here

by Richard W. Bray

All Night Long

March 13, 2014

oscar

Somewhere somebody
Might be sayin’
Somethin’ bad
About me
I get so agitated
When I think about
What those words
Could be

My blood
Starts percolatin’
Cuz I know
Just who they are
Laughin’ sneerin’ hatin’
At my favorite bar

Those pathetic fools
Are probably
Goin’ on
And on
They should worry
‘Bout themselves
Insteada’ yappin’
All night long

My blood
Starts percolatin’
Cuz I know
Just who they are
Laughin’ sneerin’ hatin’
At my favorite bar

by Richard W. Bray

Valerie Victeema

November 30, 2013

victim

Life is out to get her
It happens all the time
It can never be misfortune
It has to be a crime
Never try to tell her
That pain is all around
Her suffering is special
She wears it like a crown

Everything is tragic
For Valerie Victeema

She had a bad day
It was worse than Hiroshima

The trouble she’s seen
Everyone must know
She’s fishing for some pity
Everywhere she goes
Cry, complain and whimper
Grumble, bitch and groan
Valerie’s existence
Is a never-ending moan

Everything is tragic
For Valerie Victeema

When her toilet overflowed
She reported it to FEMA

by Richard W. Bray

It Never Gets Me Down

November 26, 2013

barloser

I hit the bars in Tucson
I had a wicked thirst
I hoped to find a honey
And open up her purse
I ain’t much to look at
But a lady could do worse
So I polished up my silver tongue
With a couple shots
I scoped me out some honeys
The kind that look real hot
I headed for some tables
And gave it all I got

With diligence my shield
I trek from town to town
I don’t always prosper
But it never gets me down

The gals in this establishment
We’re actin pretty rough
I kept hurlin pickups
But it wasn’t my best stuff
It was time to ice my ego
Cuz I done had enough
Then I spied a vision
Of silky curvy lace
I asked if she’d like to
Take me to her place
She hoisted up her beverage
And threw it in my face

With diligence my shield
I trek from town to town
I don’t always prosper
But it never gets me down

Tucson gals are ornery
Especially in June
Or maybe I was harvesting
The cycles of the moon
I might venture back this way
But it won’t be soon
Those gals weren’t very friendly
But it don’t bother me
Now I’m gonna hit the road
And see what I can see
Perhaps it’s time to check out
The beauties in Tempe

With diligence my shield
I trek from town to town
I don’t always prosper
But it never gets me down

by Richard W. Bray

The Morality of the whole Capitol punishment thing (A hastily composed paper using the first three sources I found on the google the night before its do that i wrote super quickly but it still turned out pretty awesome)

November 8, 2013

badwriting

Since the beginning of time society as a whole has tangled with the notion of weather or not capitol punishment is acceptable. Some people say it’s right; other’s say its wrong. (Why is life so confusing?) Anyhow, my answer to this timely dilemma would have to be that capitol punishment is usually wrong unless the person did something totally heinous, like brutally murdering babies in front of his parents. On the other hand, Jesus said we should learn to forgive, but on another hand, Jesus’s dad wasn’t quite so forgiving. (He was seriously into “smoting” the bad guys in the olden days.)

Andrew Taylor, Phd candidate (he’s got my vote) in ethics at Boston College agrees. Andrew (who, if you don’t mind my saying so is sort of cute in a nerdy sort of a way) thinks that people who are against capital punishment are a bunch of mamby-pamby sissies. And the Catholic Bible also agrees, too. Furthermore, its way ethical to kill cold-blooded baby killers because “The fact that it is possible not to execute killers doesn’t establish that that it is morally obligatory to do so.” According Andy’s quote, theirs no question that the death penalty is moral. How could anybody even possibly disagree with that?

Even so, the death penalty is kinda harsh, if u get my point. And sometimes the dudes aren’t even guilty. As a guy wrongly convicted of murder, America as a nation needs to be more careful than that. “Retesting of evidence from the case indicated that, contrary to earlier tests, a chemical found in semen was not present on the victim, suggesting that she was not sexually assaulted before the murder.” How does stuff like that even happen? As people, we need to be a lot more careful. I completely see why it sucks to be wrongfully abused of horrifical crimes that you didn’t even commit.

Lastly, check out this quote from the Guys at the American Civil Liberties Union. “The capital punishment system is discriminatory and arbitrary and inherently violates the Constitutional ban against cruel and unusual punishment.” Whoa. I know that my dad says that their just a bunch of terrorist-loving communists, but hey, nobody’s perfect. Besides, the death penalty does sometimes seam like it’s a little bit of an overreaction. I mean, live and let live and all. Why can’t we all just get along, right?

In conclusion, as I mentioned before, both sides have some pretty ritecheous arguments on the morality of the whole capital punishment thing. And statistically speaking, the numbers don’t lie. If I had to come down on one side of the arguments, I would pick one because capitol punishment is like killing someone for killing somebody else, and that’s pretty serious business. Why can’t all of the humanity in the history of the universe just deal with these issues on a more humanistic level?

Sources Sighted in this paper

http://ethikapolitika.org/2013/05/16/capital-punishment-and-public-safety/
http://www.deathpenaltyinfo.org/
https://www.aclu.org/capital-punishment

by Richard W. Bray