Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

just say goodbye

April 6, 2019

Hamster Heart Doctor

We had some plans to meet
You were seven days late
You said your hamster had angina
And your cat had a date
You found a hamster heart doctor
In a faraway state

That’s the best story
You could fabricate

you don’t have say why
don’t make up
another lie
just say goodbye
just say goodbye

We had some plans to meet
But you just weren’t there
You said you couldn’t find your keys
And you had to wash your hair
You really needed a nap
There was nothing to wear
And three of your cousins
Got eaten by a bear

you don’t have say why
don’t make up
another lie
just say goodbye
just say goodbye

by Richard W. Bray

Mine’s Better

March 3, 2018

I really like your auto
And the things it can do
We had one just like it
Back in 1962

My car does the dishes
Cooks my eggs and cuts my hair
It even does my taxes
And tells me what to wear

I really like your children

They’re not afraid to fail
They can even dress themselves
And they’ve never been in jail

My daughter goes to Harvard
Can you believe she’s only four?
Her brother just cured cancer
And he put an end to war

I really like your clothing
It’s so 1982
Your Member’s Only jacket
Is the perfect look for you

Everything I wear
Is from Paris or Milan
If the designer isn’t famous
I won’t even try it on

I really like your courage
You’re not afraid to drink
Nasty rustic water
Coming from your kitchen sink

Pure and pristine water
From a Himalayan spring
The Dalai Lama blessed it
It’s the only thing I drink

You’re my inspiration
You’re so gallant and carefree
You have the will to go on living
And you’re not even me

by Richard W.  Bray

everybody tells a little fib now and then

January 29, 2017


Walter thinks that someone
Is sleeping with his wife
If he knew it was me
It would mess up his life
I told him not to worry
To shelter him from strife

It’s considerate to lie
When you’re protecting a friend
Besides, everybody tells
A little fib now and then

My boss really likes me
And he’s such a great guy
He’s losing lots of money
But he doesn’t know why
If he knew I was embezzling
He would probably die

It’s considerate to lie
When you’re protecting a friend
Besides, everybody tells
A little fib now and then

I’ll never tell my wife
That I pawned her diamond ring
She got it from her grandma
And she really loves that thing
But cubic zirconia
Makes some pretty nice bling

It’s considerate to lie
When you’re protecting a friend
Besides, everybody tells
A little fib now and then

by Richard W. Bray

I wanna be, I wanna be a secular Jew

October 30, 2016


Been searching through philosophy
To find the one that’s right for me
I meditate and think and read
I finally found the perfect creed:

I wanna be, I wanna be
A secular Jew
I really love the Bible
But I don’t think it’s true

The Christians stole their book
Then they said it was old
We give them ghettos and pogroms
They give us comedy gold

Do the Jews have a Pope?
Cuz I was wonderin’ could he
Make me real funny
Like Groucho and Woody?

I wanna be, I wanna be
An outstanding thinker
Like Einstein, Freud, and Popper
Or that hairy-headed Pinker

Anybody out there
Think they got a solution?
Can I appropriate the culture
And skip the persecution?

Where do I sign?
I’ll gladly pay the fee
Is this a club
That would ever welcome me?

by Richard W. Bray

Willie Wystan Widdershins

June 28, 2015


Willie Wystan Widdershins
Craves a crooked course
A crazy road is best for him
But not his baffled horse

Willie Wystan Widdershins
Goes East to journey West
And to his wife’s chagrin he
Makes three rights to take a left

Willie Wystan Widdershins
Often ends where he begins
Going round in circles
Like a fish without fin

Willie Wystan Widdershins
Is guided from within
He wears a happy grin
Always going where he’s been

by Richard W. Bray

Serious Like Me

March 17, 2015


I was born to be a grownup
And I really dislike
The senseless sound and frolic
Of a gaggle of tykes

I’m a serious man
I do serious things
Got no time for games
Got no songs to sing

The stupid mirth and vigor
Of a roomful of youth
Annihilate my comfort
Like you’re drilling my tooth

I’m a serious man
I got books to read
Can’t tolerate those noisy
Little buckets of need

Living in a world
Of squalor and pain
Kids can make amusement
But it’s not very sane

So cut the happy hoopla
And the hullabaloo
Be serious like me
And miserable, too

by Richard W. Bray

Correct Like Me

February 17, 2015

Etiquette preserves our nation
Manners keep our culture strong
Rules defend our civilization
From hordes of folk who don’t belong

Select utensils one by one
Outside-in from plates and dishes
Don’t scandalize your lovely Mum
With a salad fork to eat your fishes

A striped tie with a checkered shirt
Constitutes a fashion crime
When you dress wrong my eyeballs hurt
No white pants in the wintertime

Don’t wash hands in the kitchen sink
Don’t serve steak with Chardonnay
Match your meals with your drinks
And you’ll make partner some sweet day

Don’t peel your eggs from big end down
Always start with the end that tapers
Don’t eat food that’s hit the ground
Don’t blow your nose with toilet paper

Mind your manners
Follow the rules
Pick the right friends
And pick the right schools
You won’t feel happy
You won’t be free
But you will be
Correct like me

by Richard W. Bray

I Refusal Your Bamboozle

January 29, 2015

You can hoodwink. You can fluster
You’re a mighty gifted huckster

You’re a guy who likes to muddle
You’re a walking pile of trouble

You love to mystify and faze
Go find somebody else to daze

Better jump back on your saddle
I ain’t the kind of guy you addle

You won’t catch me in a snoozle
I refusal your bamboozle

You can baffle and confound
But it won’t work when I’m around

Hang on to your hornswoggle
My mind ain’t fit to boggle

Your deception will not do
I’ve seen a thousand crooks like you

I ain’t gonna be your chump
You can bet your lying rump

by Richard W. Bray

Don’t Wake Me Up for Anything

January 10, 2015

Don’t wake me up for anything
Don’t even say my name
This ain’t the time for pestering
My weak and weary frame

Don’t wake me up for anything
My bedroom is a shrine
Don’t disrupt my napping
My stupor is divine

Don’t wake me up for anything
Don’t halt my brief vacation
No good comes from bedeviling
My blesséd hibernation

Don’t wake me up for anything
I can’t afford to lose
Time set aside for slumbering
Don’t interrupt my snooze

Don’t wake me up for anything
My dreams are grandiose
If the world is ending
Just leave me comatose

by Richard W. Bray

Y’all Some…

November 7, 2014

Y’all some
Tofu eaters
Hopeless heathen wife-cheaters
Yellow-bellied troop-defeaters

I can tell you who you are
Just by lookin at your car
And the clothes that you wear
And the way you cut your hair

Y’all some
Boo-boo raisers
Redneck mobile home appraisers
Happy when you’re meltin glaciers

I just look at you and shrug
It’s so easy to be smug
We can fuss and fight all day
While they send our jobs away

by Richard W. Bray