Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

My Monkey Makes my Mother Mad

March 16, 2013

I had no idea what I was doing when I began the project that eventually culminated in this blog. Looking back on it, I’m reminded of the character played by Richard Dreyfuss in the movie Close Encounters of the Third Kind who was compelled to mindlessly build that miniature mountain inside his house. I just had to do something, but I really didn’t know what or why.

So I kept writing and reading about writing. And I took some English classes at Cal Poly Pomona. Then one of my professors, Dr. Carola Kaplan, suggested I apply for their MA program. (She advised that if I continued to take classes, sooner or later I would “accumulate” a Master’s Degree.) Many of the longer articles on this blog began as academic papers.

I continued to write until my computer was constipated. So I read the books on how to write the perfect cover letter and I sent out queries and more queries. And all that ever got me was shoe-boxes full of rejection letters.

After more than a decade of unrequited querying, I finally went on an Open Thread at Ta-Nehisi Coates’ blog and asked the nice people there how much it would cost to start my own blog. When they told me it was free I said, “Thank you so much. If I had known that, I would have gotten myself a blog years ago.”

Sometimes I begin writing a poem knowing exactly what I want to say and it turns out just like I planned. Sometimes. Other times I set out to write something, but I end up writing something else. And sometimes I think I have a long way to go when the poem suddenly informs me that I’m finished.

And sometimes I start with an idea that’s bugging me or just a single word. (I began this poem thinking about how much I like the word notion.) Other times an entire line will pop into my head. Once a line zipped across my brain, but I ignored it. A few days later it returned—louder. It wasn’t until I sat down at my computer and typed it up that I realized that the line was entirely alliterative: My monkey makes my mother mad. But I didn’t know what the poem was going to be about until I had finished writing the first stanza.

My Funny Farm

My monkey makes my mother mad
He also aggravates my dad
He took his car the other day
And drove it to the Hudson Bay

My kitty cat is kooky too
He likes to strut down to the zoo
And tell the tigers to all stand back
If they don’t want to get attacked

I have a hamster named Houdini
And though he is rather teeny
He’ll quickly pick a thousand locks
You could not hold him in Fort Knox

My kangaroo’s a real joker
Up all night playing poker
His friends come to destroy the house
I think I shoulda’ got a mouse

I got a hippo last July
He really is one swell guy
Everything he does is super
I got a giant pooper scooper

Living on this funny farm
I know my pets don’t mean no harm
But both my parents moved away
And no one wants to come and play

Richard W. Bray

The Terror of Suffix County

March 2, 2013

1-5

Annie’s destructful brother
Is a boogerypoopish mess.
Others have botherly brothers,
But Willie’s a vexsome pest.

Annie’s funtastic birthday
Was a jubilatious delight
Till Willie stealthed into her bedroom
Beneath the dimful light.

When the girls were finally sleepish
They detectified Willie’s disguise.
He was costumated in undies.
The girls were were horrorized.

Annie was fully rageistic.
Screamfully, she cried:
Abandonate this monster.
He must be porchified.”

Her parents wisefully noted
That though they were temptified,
They’d be keeping her boisterly brother.
Annie felt beastish inside.

Richard W. Bray

The Three Don’ts of Divorce and an Amusing Preschool Teacher Story

February 19, 2013

kids playing with fire truck

I took it as a compliment when someone chastised me for being “schoolmarmish” on a blog discussion thread. I assume the commenter was suggesting that it was prudish of me to describe reality tv as human cockfighting. (We were discussing the Real Housewives of somewhere or other, as I recall). I was tempted to respond that I’m very proud of the years I spent schoolmarming. Teaching kids is an important, demanding, and rewarding job.

Teaching elementary school is also very educational for teachers who keep their ears open. Not only do kids say the darnedest thing, but parents have a curious tendency to mistake teachers for Marriage and Family Therapists, particularly during parent conference season. And bitter divorcees of both genders are prone to inappropriate disclosures, a mistake which is compounded when done in front of one’s children.

This brings me back to my faded recollection of a long ago teacher’s lounge discussion about The Three Don’ts of Divorce:

#1 Don’t rag on your ex in front of the kids. Making stupid decisions with your life is nothing to brag about. And you really aren’t impressing people when you tell them that you chose to make babies with a pathetic loser. Furthermore, a relationship is not a competition; nobody wins when the final whistle blows. And the biggest losers will be your kids if you embarrass them by unraveling a giant ball of bitter in front of their teachers.

#2 Don’t ask your kids to spy on your ex. If you can’t let it go, try yoga. Deep breathing is not only good for the body, but it’s a wonderful metaphor for life; taking in and letting go is a continuous process. Struggling to hold on to something that no longer exists will rot your spirit; it will also turn you into an insufferable pain in the keyster.

#3 Don’t talk about details of the divorce in front of your kids. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard parents trying to justify X,Y, and Z by scapegoating a parent who isn’t in the room. Of course, sometimes it is necessary to divulge sensitive personal information to your child’s teacher. (Like when you’ve have to get a restraining order.) But it’s a good idea to send your kid out to the playground first.

An Amusing Day Care Teaching Story

In college I worked at a very hoity toity day care center on the north side of Berkeley which was run by a friend of my family. Because I was a part-time substitute, no one ever took the time to fill me in on the finer points of local etiquette.

One day I was supervising the sandbox during free play when a three-year-old boy smacked another kid over the head with a toy firetruck.

“Cut that out,” I insisted.

The offending child immediately stopped assaulting his playmate. He turned towards me and gave me a stern glare.

Cut that out is not nice, ” He instructed severely. “We don’t use words like the at the Child Education Center.”

I was taken aback by the rebuke, but I sensibly resisted the nearly overwhelming impulse to say, “Listen pal, we put people in jail for things like that.”

Richard W. Bray

Dexter McTexter

February 10, 2013

mctexter

Dexter McTexter
Cooked some food to eat
He had to brag
So he sent his bros a tweet

Dexter McTexter
Heard a funny joke
Got out his thumbs
And told a thousand folk

Dexter McTexter
Stopped at a red light
Just long enough
To publicize his plight

Dexter McTexter
Scratched his derrière
It felt so good
He made his friends aware

Dexter is connected
Every second he’s awake
His overburdened brain
Never takes a break

Dexter needs the chatter
So he won’t feel alone
So damn helpless
Can’t do nothing on his own

Richard W. Bray

Drastic Measures

January 19, 2013

pebble in shoe

I got a pebble in my shoe
Don’t know what I’m gonna do
My tootsie cannot take the pain
My tender toes will go insane

It ouches every step I take
I cannot move, for goodness sake
Now I’m gonna sit a spell
And think of ways my pain to quell:

I could wait till it’s not sore
I could crawl forevermore

I could sit and never rise
I could fill the world with cries

I could look on the computer
I could hire a troubleshooter

I could call my family doctor
I could buy a helicopter

I could moan and wail and beg
I could amputate my leg

I just thought what I should do:
I could just remove my shoe
And pour that pebble on the floor…
Now my foot don’t hurt no more

Richard W. Bray

Audi Audi Audi Audi 5000 G

January 8, 2013

urban causcasian

always naggin bout my threads
and causin controversy
when im stylin in my sneakers
and a vintage sports jersey

Audi Audi Audi Audi 5000 G
i cant be the man u want me to be
Audi Audi Audi Audi 5000 G
im urban caucasian—your a silly hick B

u dont like my family
and u hate on my posse
u assaulted my auntie
and called her a NAZI

Audi Audi Audi Audi 5000 G
i cant be the man u want me to be
Audi Audi Audi Audi 5000 G
i dont love u and you never loved me

always watchin honey boo-boo
with all your shorties
always slammin Boones Farm
when im tuggin on my forties

Audi Audi Audi Audi 5000 G
i cant be the man u want me to be
Audi Audi Audi Audi 5000 G
im urban cuacasian–your a silly hick B

Richard W. Bray

Lost

January 2, 2013

images (3)

I checked the desk
I checked the drawer
I checked the chair
I checked the door
I checked my suit
I checked my coat
I checked my truck
I checked my boat

Where can they be
Those blasted keys?
Where would I be
If I were keys?

I looked here
And I looked there
I even said
A little prayer
I looked sooner
I looked later
I even checked
My ‘frigerator

Did I put them in my pants?
Or did I leave them in my car?
They can run and they can hide
But they will not get very far

Richard W. Bray

Idioms

October 13, 2012

Idioms-Examples-Colloqiuallisms

My dad was moving boxes
He said, “Give me a hand”
I really need them both
What a curious demand

My boyfriend’s disappointed
Says his team got creamed
What were they doing at the dairy?
I guess that’s why he screamed

A person on the sidewalk
Asked me for some bread
But if I give him money
He could buy a meal instead

My neighbor said her brother
Gets all bent out of shape
He needs a chiropractor
Or perhaps some ankle tape

My friend got dressed up fancy
Said she’s gonna paint the town
Wouldn’t it make more sense
To wear a dusty gown?

I took my sister to the beach
She said, “Let’s catch some rays”
I didn’t buy this bikini
For fishing on the bay

Sometimes folks are careless
And their brains aren’t very keen
People talk so silly
Like they don’t know what words mean

by Richard W. Bray

Didn’t MEAN it

September 12, 2012

aaaaamean

I didn’t mean it as an insult
When I asked who cuts your hair
I think your hair is perfect
If that’s the style you’re gonna wear

I didn’t mean it as an insult
When I said your kids were foolish
It’s costing me a fortune
That my offspring are so schoolish

I didn’t mean it as an insult
When I asked about your age
Experience breeds wisdom
So you must be sage

I didn’t mean it as an insult
When I called your car a clunker
I’d save a lot of cash
If I got myself a junker

I didn’t mean it as an insult
When I said your house was small
I think it’s rather cozy
I should get one for my doll

It’s really not my problem
If you’re quick to take offense
You might be neurotic
Or maybe you’re just dense

by Richard W. Bray

Scoop

September 8, 2012


Who pooped?
You pooped
Guess I gotta scoop poop

Call dog
Haul dog
Happy you’re a small dog

Who pooped?
You pooped
Guess I gotta scoop poop

Feel fine
Canine
You ain’t gotta scoop mine

by Richard W. Bray