Posts Tagged ‘comedy’


October 13, 2012

My dad was moving boxes
He said, “Give me a hand”
I really need them both
What a curious demand

My boyfriend’s disappointed
Says his team got creamed
What were they doing at the dairy?
I guess that’s why he screamed

A person on the sidewalk
Asked me for some bread
But if I give him money
He could buy a meal instead

My neighbor said her brother
Gets all bent out of shape
He needs a chiropractor
Or perhaps some ankle tape

My friend got dressed up fancy
Said she’s gonna paint the town
Wouldn’t it make more sense
To wear a dusty gown?

I took my sister to the beach
She said, “Let’s catch some rays”
I didn’t buy this bikini
For fishing on the bay

Sometimes folks are careless
And their brains aren’t very keen
People talk so silly
Like they don’t know what words mean

by Richard W. Bray

Didn’t MEAN it

September 12, 2012


I didn’t mean it as an insult
When I asked who cuts your hair
I think your hair is perfect
If that’s the style you’re gonna wear

I didn’t mean it as an insult
When I said your kids were foolish
It’s costing me a fortune
That my offspring are so schoolish

I didn’t mean it as an insult
When I asked about your age
Experience breeds wisdom
So you must be sage

I didn’t mean it as an insult
When I called your car a clunker
I’d save a lot of cash
If I got myself a junker

I didn’t mean it as an insult
When I said your house was small
I think it’s rather cozy
I should get one for my doll

It’s really not my problem
If you’re quick to take offense
You might be neurotic
Or maybe you’re just dense

by Richard W. Bray


September 8, 2012

Who pooped?
You pooped
Guess I gotta scoop poop

Call dog
Haul dog
Happy you’re a small dog

Who pooped?
You pooped
Guess I gotta scoop poop

Feel fine
You ain’t gotta scoop mine

by Richard W. Bray

Twelve Kinds of Stinky

July 27, 2012

You’re an eight-faced scoundrel
And a natural-born liar
A fraudulent trickster
And a bully for hire
A backstabbing rascal
And a world-class fraud
Hiding all your mischief
With a friendly facade
A double-dealing sinner
With a mutilated soul
Mendacious commander
Of the lowlife patrol
A hoodwinking devil
Prevaricating cad
A two-timing villain who’d
Swindle your own dad
Perfidious varmint
And an underhanded lout
Your delinquent credentials
Are beyond all doubt
A double-crossing blackguard
And a treacherous sneak
A shiftyshady grifter
Who preys on the weak

I’ll tell the whole world
You’re twelve kinds of stinky
Cuz you’re the dirty scamp
Who took my last twinkie

by Richard W. Bray

Exclusive Company

May 31, 2012


You tell me that I’m angry
It’s really not my fault
The world conspires against me
It’s not about to halt

You tell me that my anger
Won’t do me any good
Tell that to those people
Who aren’t acting like they should

You say I should be thankful
For everything I’ve got
Then I couldn’t complain about
The things that I have not

You say I am not helping
By being pessimistic
But nature gave me eyes
And it made me realistic

You tell me that I shouldn’t
See myself as God
A person needs a mentor
Why’s my choice so odd?

You say, “Get out and mingle
You’re a person, not a stone”
From what I’ve seen of people
I’m better off alone

by Richard W. Bray

In Praise of Boring

May 10, 2012

It can’t be overstated
That dull is underrated
And boring is sublime
When you need a project ready
Be thorough, slow, and steady
Work and time will make it shine

Don’t make your schedule hurly-burly
Hit the sack and rise up early
And you’ll save yourself much strife
If you’re staying out till three
You’ll find a heap of misery
Home the place to make a life

Flash and fancy might be funner
But when you need to do it doner
Painstaking effort is the way
Poco a poco is my motto
And until you win the lotto
You should show up every day

by Richard W. Bray


December 2, 2011



Are the dishes in the dishwasher clean?
Did you forget to turn on the machine?
Are the dishes in the dishwasher clean?
Why do they smell so foul and obscene?
Are the dishes in the dishwasher clean?
They seem to lack all luster and sheen.
Are the dishes in the dishwasher clean?
Why are they yucky and moldy and green?
Are the dishes in the dishwasher clean?
You look confused; don’t you know what I mean?
Are the dishes in the dishwasher clean?

by Richard W. Bray

The Easy Way

October 8, 2011

The Easy Way

My friend Sal looks really great
From fifteen years of lifting weight
I got buff the easy way
Photoshop in just one day

Credit cards are awfully nice
Until you have to pay the price
One day they hauled my stuff away
For buying things the easy way

My septic tank began to spew
I fixed it with some super glue
Then it burst one smelly day
The perils of the easy way

When it got too trashed for play
I packed up and moved away
Ain’t it always like I say?
Why not try the easy way?

Manual labor is awfully hard
And why should I clean my new yard?
Why not try the easy way?
And burn my troubles all away

Things don’t always go as planned
That little fire got out of hand
The fire chief hauled me away
For doing things the easy way

by Richard W. Bray

sports shorts

October 1, 2011

sports shorts

Serve and volley and attack
Whack that ball, I’ll whack it back
I’m about to bust my spleen
The score is only Love-fifteen

My ball’s brown and your ball’s green
Whydya’ hafta’ be so mean?
You just knocked my ball away
Nice guys just shouldn’t play croquet

Run and run and kick the ball
Run some more and take a fall
They kick your knees, they kick your shin
You still go out and run again

Spin and aim and throw and grunt
Putting shot is quite a stunt
But when the shot put’s in the air
Folks around had best beware

Red lines, blue lines guys with sticks
And pucks that feel as hard as bricks
But I can barely tie my skates
A hockey star won’t be my fate

That tether-ball hangs from a rope
It makes me feel like such a dope
I jump and jump but still can’t cope
At three foot two there’s just no hope

by Richard W. Bray

Likely Stories

August 27, 2011

Likely Stories

I got an alligator
I feed him every day
That’s why friends and neighbors
Never come and play

My homey got a race car
And drove to Timbuktu
Holler when he’s zooming by
And he will wave to you

My uncle got a rowboat
He takes it to the lake
He don’t catch no fishies
He’d rather eat a snake

My brother got a trumpet
He plays it all night long
He never took no lessons
He only knows one song

My neighbor got a rhino
He keeps it in his yard
We were playing football
It hit me really hard

My teacher got a schoolbook
To teach me how to read
When he tried to teach too much
It made my psyche bleed

My roommate made a rocket
And took it to the moon
He just sent a postcard
He’s coming back in June

My sister got a scooter
She took it to the zoo
A tiger tried to take it
Got kicked in the wazoo

by Richard W. Bray