Posts Tagged ‘humorous poetry’

Hadley McNutter

August 12, 2014

When Hadley McNutter
Mumbles and Mutters
He makes the ground tremble
And gives me the shudders

This ogre from hell
Ain’t your typical tyrant
When Hadley explodes
He erupts like a hydrant

He tramples and tromps
Like a like a lumbering giant
He rumbles and romps
Like monster defiant

When Hadley is hungry
We both rush to feed him
Such a wonderful burden—
How much we need him

He gets what he wants
And I don’t mean maybe
It’s hard to believe
That he’s merely a baby

by Richard W. Bray

TMI Guy

June 13, 2014

weenie

Anybody sitting here?
Good Lord, I need a drink
Let me offer you some beer
You can tell me what you think
I’m in here every day
Drinking is my life
Wanna throw it all away
Since I lost my wife
She ran off to Beijing
With my business partner, Ted
She says he’s more exciting
And an animal in bed
So tell me, What’s your story?
It can’t be sad as mine
My father never liked me
And my mother dated swine
My people are afflicted
When it comes to crime
My sister was convicted
And my brother’s doing time
I didn’t catch your name
Would you like another shot?
They tell me I’m insane
I’ve mortgaged all I got
I’ve always been unhappy
You look like you work out
I’m doing pretty crappy
With psoriasis and gout
Didn’t mean to bend your ear
It’s just what I do
I’ve never seen you here
So tell me about you

by Richard W. Bray

Non-Apology Apology

April 17, 2014

bad manners

I ate your lunch, but don’t you see?
You left it right in front of me
I’m sorry that you’re feeling cross
I’m sorry but you’re not my boss

All my friends thought it was funny
When I dipped your phone in honey
I’m sorry you can’t take a joke
I’m sorry you’re a stodgy bloke

I’ll raise some hell and make a fuss
I’ll fart and belch and shout and cuss
I’m sorry if you think I’m rude
I’m sorry you’re a silly prude

As long as everyone is free
I’ll be the man I want to be
I’m sorry you’re hung up on rules
I’m sorry you were raised by fools

by Richard W. Bray

Valerie Victeema

November 30, 2013

victim

Life is out to get her
It happens all the time
It can never be misfortune
It has to be a crime
Never try to tell her
That pain is all around
Her suffering is special
She wears it like a crown

Everything is tragic
For Valerie Victeema

She had a bad day
It was worse than Hiroshima

The trouble she’s seen
Everyone must know
She’s fishing for some pity
Everywhere she goes
Cry, complain and whimper
Grumble, bitch and groan
Valerie’s existence
Is a never-ending moan

Everything is tragic
For Valerie Victeema

When her toilet overflowed
She reported it to FEMA

by Richard W. Bray

A Friend of a Friend

May 4, 2013

ufoprobe

A friend of a friend
Says bigfoot’s alive
He walks his chihuahua
On Huntington Drive

A friend of a friend
Slept on the lawn
He awoke in a hotel
His kidneys were gone

A friend of my cat
Fell out of a plane
The cat limped away
With a minor sprain

A friend of a friend
Is completely insane
Cuz an earwig attacked
And ate up his brain

A friend of a friend
Dropped some mints in his soda
The resulting reaction
Made his kitchen exploda’

A friend of a friend
Keeps a clone in the freezer
With all his spare parts
He’s the healthiest geezer

A friend of a friend
Got a knock on the door
From a friend who died
Twenty years before

A friend of a friend
Saw some lights in space
Then he got probed
In a delicate place


I swear on my life
I’m not a gullible guy
I believe it all
Cuz my friends don’t lie

Richard W. Bray

Alliterative Animal Kingdom

April 8, 2013

koala


Round the rampant rugged rocks
Rude and ragged rascals run.

—W.H. Auden

Queasy koalas quarrel and quibble
Noisy gnus nag and nibble
Hefty horses heave and hoe
Shameless sheep shop and show

Playful pigs prance and preen
Careful cats cook and clean
Dancing dogs dally and drink
Thirteen thoroughbreds thank and think

Buoyant bunnies broil and bake
Rampant rhinos rush and rake
Slippery seals splash and splish
While wayward weasels wonder and wish

Richard W. Bray

My Monkey Makes my Mother Mad

March 16, 2013

glog

I had no idea what I was doing when I began the project that eventually culminated in this blog
. Looking back on it, I’m reminded of the character played by Richard Dreyfuss in the movie Close Encounters of the Third Kind who was compelled to mindlessly build that miniature mountain inside his house. I just had to do something, but I really didn’t know what or why.

So I kept writing and reading about writing. And I took some English classes at Cal Poly Pomona. Then one of my professors, Dr. Carola Kaplan, suggested I apply for their MA program. (She advised that if I continued to take classes, sooner or later I would “accumulate” a Master’s Degree.) Many of the longer articles on this blog began as academic papers.

I continued to write until my computer was constipated. So I read the books on how to write the perfect cover letter and I sent out queries and more queries. And all that ever got me was shoe-boxes full of rejection letters.

After more than a decade of unrequited querying, I finally went on an Open Thread at Ta-Nehisi Coates’ blog and asked the nice people there how much it would cost to start my own blog. When they told me it was free I said, “Thank you so much. If I had known that, I would have gotten myself a blog years ago.”

Sometimes I begin writing a poem knowing exactly what I want to say and it turns out just like I planned. Sometimes. Other times I set out to write something, but I end up writing something else. And sometimes I think I have a long way to go when the poem suddenly informs me that I’m finished.

And sometimes I start with an idea that’s bugging me or just a single word. (I began this poem thinking about how much I like the word notion.) Other times an entire line will pop into my head. Once a line zipped across my brain, but I ignored it. A few days later it returned—louder. It wasn’t until I sat down at my computer and typed it up that I realized that the line was entirely alliterative: My monkey makes my mother mad. But I didn’t know what the poem was going to be about until I had finished writing the first stanza.

Monkey Driving

My Funny Farm

My monkey makes my mother mad
He also aggravates my dad
He took his car the other day
And drove it to the Hudson Bay

My kitty cat is kooky too
He likes to strut down to the zoo
And tell the tigers to all stand back
If they don’t want to get attacked

I have a hamster named Houdini
And though he is rather teeny
He’ll quickly pick a thousand locks
You could not hold him in Fort Knox

My kangaroo’s a real joker
Up all night playing poker
His friends come to destroy the house
I think I shoulda’ got a mouse

I got a hippo last July
He really is one swell guy
Everything he does is super
I got a giant pooper scooper

Living on this funny farm
I know my pets don’t mean no harm
But both my parents moved away
And no one wants to come and play

Richard W. Bray

The Terror of Suffix County

March 2, 2013

mischief boy

Annie’s destructful brother
Is a boogerypoopish mess.
Others have botherly brothers,
But Willie’s a vexsome pest.

Annie’s funtastic birthday
Was a jubilatious delight
Till Willie stealthed into her bedroom
Beneath the dimful light.

When the girls were finally sleepish
They detectified Willie’s disguise.
He was costumated in undies.
The girls were were horrorized.

Annie was fully rageistic.
Screamfully, she cried:
Abandonate this monster.
He must be porchified.”

Her parents wisefully noted
That though they were temptified,
They’d be keeping her boisterly brother.
Annie felt beastish inside.

Richard W. Bray

Dexter McTexter

February 10, 2013

mctexter

Dexter McTexter
Cooked some food to eat
He had to brag
So he sent his bros a tweet

Dexter McTexter
Heard a funny joke
Got out his thumbs
And told a thousand folk

Dexter McTexter
Stopped at a red light
Just long enough
To publicize his plight

Dexter McTexter
Scratched his derrière
It felt so good
He made his friends aware

Dexter is connected
Every second he’s awake
His overburdened brain
Never takes a break

Dexter needs the chatter
So he won’t feel alone
So damn helpless
Can’t do nothing on his own

Richard W. Bray

Drastic Measures

January 19, 2013

pebble in shoe

I got a pebble in my shoe
Don’t know what I’m gonna do
My tootsie cannot take the pain
My tender toes will go insane

It ouches every step I take
I cannot move, for goodness sake
Now I’m gonna sit a spell
And think of ways my pain to quell:

I could wait till it’s not sore
I could crawl forevermore

I could sit and never rise
I could fill the world with cries

I could look on the computer
I could hire a troubleshooter

I could call my family doctor
I could buy a helicopter

I could moan and wail and beg
I could amputate my leg

I just thought what I should do:
I could just remove my shoe
And pour that pebble on the floor…
Now my foot don’t hurt no more

Richard W. Bray