What do I gotta say
To make you go away?
I’ll beguile and masquerade
Till you go on your way
I’ll make up any lie
To hear you say goodbye
I’ll say I understand
I’ll tell you I’m your man
I’ll say you are so right
I’m with you in this fight
I’ll promise earth and sky
To hear you say goodbye
by Richard W. Bray
Willie Wystan Widdershins
Craves a crooked course
A crazy road is best for him
But not his baffled horse
Willie Wystan Widdershins
Goes East to journey West
And to his wife’s chagrin he
Makes three rights to take a left
Willie Wystan Widdershins
Often ends where he begins
Going round in circles
Like a fish without fin
Willie Wystan Widdershins
Is guided from within
He wears a happy grin
Always going where he’s been
by Richard W. Bray
I was born to be a grownup
And I really dislike
The senseless sound and frolic
Of a gaggle of tykes
I’m a serious man
I do serious things
Got no time for games
Got no songs to sing
The stupid mirth and vigor
Of a roomful of youth
Annihilate my comfort
Like you’re drilling my tooth
I’m a serious man
I got books to read
Can’t tolerate those noisy
Little buckets of need
Living in a world
Of squalor and pain
Kids can make amusement
But it’s not very sane
So cut the happy hoopla
And the hullabaloo
Be serious like me
And miserable, too
by Richard W. Bray
Etiquette preserves our nation
Manners keep our culture strong
Rules defend our civilization
From hordes of folk who don’t belong
Select utensils one by one
Outside-in from plates and dishes
Don’t scandalize your lovely Mum
With a salad fork to eat your fishes
A striped tie with a checkered shirt
Constitutes a fashion crime
When you dress wrong my eyeballs hurt
No white pants in the wintertime
Don’t wash hands in the kitchen sink
Don’t serve steak with Chardonnay
Match your meals with your drinks
And you’ll make partner some sweet day
Don’t peel your eggs from big end down
Always start with the end that tapers
Don’t eat food that’s hit the ground
Don’t blow your nose with toilet paper
Mind your manners
Follow the rules
Pick the right friends
And pick the right schools
You won’t feel happy
You won’t be free
But you will be
Correct like me
by Richard W. Bray
You can hoodwink. You can fluster
You’re a mighty gifted huckster
You’re a guy who likes to muddle
You’re a walking pile of trouble
You love to mystify and faze
Go find somebody else to daze
Better jump back on your saddle
I ain’t the kind of guy you addle
You won’t catch me in a snoozle
I refusal your bamboozle
You can baffle and confound
It won’t work when I’m around
Hang on to your hornswoggle
My mind ain’t fit to boggle
Your deception will not do
I’ve seen a thousand crooks like you
I ain’t gonna be your chump
You can bet your lying rump
by Richard W. Bray
Don’t wake me up for anything
Don’t even say my name
This ain’t the time for pestering
My weak and weary frame
Don’t wake me up for anything
My bedroom is a shrine
Don’t disrupt my napping
My stupor is divine
Don’t wake me up for anything
Don’t halt my brief vacation
No good comes from bedeviling
My blesséd hibernation
Don’t wake me up for anything
I can’t afford to lose
Time set aside for slumbering
Don’t interrupt my snooze
Don’t wake me up for anything
My dreams are grandiose
If the world is ending
Just leave me comatose
by Richard W. Bray
When Hadley McNutter
Mumbles and Mutters
He makes the ground tremble
And gives me the shudders
This ogre from hell
Ain’t your typical tyrant
When Hadley explodes
He erupts like a hydrant
He tramples and tromps
Like a like a lumbering giant
He rumbles and romps
Like monster defiant
When Hadley is hungry
We both rush to feed him
Such a wonderful burden—
How much we need him
He gets what he wants
And I don’t mean maybe
It’s hard to believe
That he’s merely a baby
by Richard W. Bray
Anybody sitting here?
Good Lord, I need a drink
Let me offer you some beer
You can tell me what you think
I’m in here every day
Drinking is my life
Wanna throw it all away
Since I lost my wife
She ran off to Beijing
With my business partner, Ted
She says he’s more exciting
And an animal in bed
So tell me, What’s your story?
It can’t be sad as mine
My father never liked me
And my mother dated swine
My people are afflicted
When it comes to crime
My sister was convicted
And my brother’s doing time
I didn’t catch your name
Would you like another shot?
They tell me I’m insane
I’ve mortgaged all I got
I’ve always been unhappy
You look like you work out
I’m doing pretty crappy
With psoriasis and gout
Didn’t mean to bend your ear
It’s just what I do
I’ve never seen you here
So tell me about you
by Richard W. Bray
I ate your lunch, but don’t you see?
You left it right in front of me
I’m sorry that you’re feeling cross
I’m sorry but you’re not my boss
All my friends thought it was funny
When I dipped your phone in honey
I’m sorry you can’t take a joke
I’m sorry you’re a stodgy bloke
I’ll raise some hell and make a fuss
I’ll fart and belch and shout and cuss
I’m sorry if you think I’m rude
I’m sorry you’re a silly prude
As long as everyone is free
I’ll be the man I want to be
I’m sorry you’re hung up on rules
I’m sorry you were raised by fools
by Richard W. Bray
Life is out to get her
It happens all the time
It can never be misfortune
It has to be a crime
Never try to tell her
That pain is all around
Her suffering is special
She wears it like a crown
Everything is tragic
For Valerie Victeema
She had a bad day
It was worse than Hiroshima
The trouble she’s seen
Everyone must know
She’s fishing for some pity
Everywhere she goes
Cry, complain and whimper
Grumble, bitch and groan
Valerie’s existence
Is a never-ending moan
Everything is tragic
For Valerie Victeema
When her toilet overflowed
She reported it to FEMA
by Richard W. Bray
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