Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

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As Long as Babies Cry

April 16, 2011

As Long as Babies Cry

Now I was workin’ out
At my local gym
With my buddies: Paco,
Chester, Dave and Slim
That was when I noticed
And I ain’t tellin’ lies
The world’s greatest beauty
Right before my eyes
So I sauntered over
And mustered up my charm
I approached her sideways
Showin’ off my massive arm
I said, “Now hey there darlin’
Hows about you and me
Get together Friday evening
For some dinner and tv?”


As long as babies cry
You’ll never be my guy
As long as skies are blue
I’ll live life without you
And now our story ends
Please go back to your friends

Now I was never one
To give up that easy
I’m such an awesome guy
My friends call me “Cool Breezy”
And as luck would have it
Another fine young beauty
Was doin’ her thigh crunchers
So I walked up to that cutie
I said “I know your legs are tired
From runnin’ through my brain
But if I don’t get your number
I might just go insane”

As long as babies cry
You’ll never be my guy
As long as skies are blue
I’ll live life without you
And now our story ends
Please go back to your friends

by Richard W. Bray

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Posted in If it sounds country, Lyrics | Leave a Comment »

I Tried

April 11, 2011

I Tried

I tried to clean my chimney
But it covered me with soot
I tried to wire my speakers
But they smoked and went kaput
I tried to lift a dumbbell
But I dropped it on my foot

I tried to tip my waiter
But his pockets were all full
I tried to wear a sweater
But I’m so itchy from the wool
I tried to ride my horsey
But I saddled up a bull

I tried to wash my car
But it began to rain
I tried some jumping jacks
But that gave me a pain
I want to do what’s right
But it’s driving me insane

by Richard W. Bray

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Posted in Poetry for Kids | Leave a Comment »

Frannie’s Fortress

March 26, 2011

Frannie’s Fortress

Frannie’s best friend moved away
This made her very sad
When other kids went out to play
She stayed home with her dad

Naturally she felt her
Heart had hit a wall
So she sought herself a shelter
From torment, big and small

Frannie figured it was best
To keep her feelings gated
She’d build for them a fortress
To be locked and palisaded

She planned a sanctuary
Where a girl could find refuge
This stronghold would be very
Fortified and huge

She would make herself a maven
On battlements and forts
To build a bulwark and a haven
And protect her lonely heart

She’d defend her citadel
With fulltime guards on call
And no one could even tell
If she ever cried at all

As she began to write
In a notebook on the floor
Daddy was a welcome sight:
“You have people at the door.”

Sally, Ann and Mary
Came to see if she could play
They had themselves a very
Funterrific day

Daddy said, “I made some lunch
And all your friends can stay.”
The girls all drank some punch
And Frannie put her plans away

by Richard W. Bray

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Posted in Poetry for Kids | Leave a Comment »

Walter the Wombat

March 3, 2011

Walter the Wombat

Walter Wombat went to the store
To find his family some food
The sun was shining, and what’s more
He was in a wonderful mood

When Walter got to the market
The lot was nearly full
As he maneuvered his car to park it
He backed into an angry bull

The bull stepped out of its Audi
And stomped right up to his car
As Walter prepared to say, “Howdy”
He noticed it had a huge scar

This bull didn’t look real pleasant
So Walter prepared for a fight
That’s when a ring-necked pheasant
Marched right into their sight

“Of course, y’all don’t know me”
Said Fred with a glint in his eye
“But I was wondering who could show me
Where worms fall out of the sky”

The bull looked down at Freddy
As steam came out of its nose
And the little bird got ready
To defend against terrible blows

“You really don’t want to perturb me”
Said the bull with blood in his eye
“And it’s a real mistake to disturb me
When I’m about to gore this guy”

Fred said, “I do beg your pardon
I surely do hate to bud in
And I guess I should be startin’
Home to be with my kin”

The bull turned its head quite slowly
Offended by Freddy’s words
“Did you just call me Shirley, lowly
Ring-necked little bird?”

“I believe that you’re mistaken”
Said Walter ignoring his terrors
No bird should be forsaken
For simple linguistic errors”

“The two words surely and Shirley
Are a pair of homophones
So before you get hurly burly
And speak in angry tones…”

But the bull was through with talking
He began to snort and stomp
The world was suddenly rocking
This bull was ready to romp

The bull chased after the wombat
Who headed straight for the stream
He preferred swimming to combat
He had no wish to be creamed

They both ended up in the water
But this didn’t cool off the bull
Which pointed and reared for slaughter
Until he felt the pull

The current quickly took him
To an ocean miles away
The bystanders there mistook him
For a surfer who’d lost his way

This story that I have selected
Has a moral over for you to mull:
Always stay cool and collected
And never back into a bull

by Richard W. Bray

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Posted in Poetry for Kids | Leave a Comment »

Holding on to Every Inch

February 15, 2011

I’m an old curmudgeon
I get older every day
Got no time to spare
Get the hell out of my way

I’m an old curmudgeon
Don’t give me no crap
I’m mean and I am cranky
And I’m late to take my nap

I’m an old curmudgeon
Get off of my goddamn lawn
Holding on to every inch
Until I’m dead and gone

I’m an old curmudgeon
I’ve seen what life can do
Here’s a brand new dollar
Go and buy yourself a clue

I’m an old curmudgeon
And I have to stay on top
Sinking is just dying
And I’m not about to stop

I’m an old curmudgeon
I keep barreling ahead
Reflection is for cowards
And rest is for the dead

by Richard W. Bray

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Posted in Poetry | Leave a Comment »

Best Friends Forever

February 12, 2011

Best Friends Forever

Sally and Kathy were Best Friends Forever
Till Kathy told Sally’s secrets to Heather
The girls are refusing to speak to each other
And Sally is home crying to Mother

by Richard W. Bray

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Posted in Poetry for Kids | Leave a Comment »

Rudely Interrupter

February 3, 2011

Rudely Interrupter


Good friends were talking and sharing their mirth
When in walked a storm of incurable dearth
A salesman by trade and a bother since birth
An insidious creature who slithers on Earth

Rudely Interrupter: his given name
Playing Budinski: his favorite game
Though no one is ever glad that he came
He’ll bug one and all every time just the same

by Richard W. Bray

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Posted in Poetry for Kids | Leave a Comment »

Personal Responsibility

January 25, 2011

Personal Responsibility

I said I’d clean the chimney
So just calm down
It’s stupid to complain
It already burnt down

I said I’d fix the fridge
So what’s the big deal?
Food’s all spoiled
Let’s go out for a meal

I said I’d feed the fish
I know I forgot
I’m sorry they’re all dead
But at least I’m not

I said I’d cook dinner
But I’m a busy guy
I hear your stomach growling
I can’t imagine why

I said I’d do the laundry
It’s just as well
I hate to tell ya’
But you really smell?

I said I’d pay the bills
And here you are
Just nagging and moaning
They already took your car

I don’t go around telling people what to do
But you need to grow up, if you want my view
If you want it done right, then do it on your own
By the way, I’m outta’ cash. Could your buddy get a loan?

by Richard W. Bray

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Posted in Poetry for Kids | Leave a Comment »

It Takes all Kinds

January 21, 2011

It Takes all Kinds

If I’m askance, then you’re askew
I walk crooked, but you do too
Words you say won’t make me blue
Cuz’ I don’t have to be like you

If I like my purple hair,
Or pants inside my underwear,
Or pantaloons that twelve could share
Why should you care what clothes I wear?

If I want to eat some beets,
Or blue bananas and hamster feet,
Or gray tamales with lizard meat
Why would you rue the food I eat?

I don’t care if you eat squid
Or leave an open toilet lid
Don’t need a big list of forbid
To raise a happy, healthy kid

Glad your teeth are jeweled and pearled
And all your nose-hairs have been curled
This simple truth must be unfurled:
It takes all kinds to make a world

by Richard W. Bray

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Posted in Poetry for Kids | Leave a Comment »

Mischief

January 11, 2011

Mischief

Kermit’s colorful markers:
A rainbow of selection
He decorates his house
But can’t avoid detection

Tina’s tiny tricycle
Took her up a hill
But when she tried to ride it down
She took a nasty spill

Randy’s homemade rocket
Shot up into space
On board was his puppy
Not easy to replace

Skippy’s super slingshot
Had a range of fifty yards
Replacing all those windows
Is going to be hard

Andrew’s alligator
Was the coolest pet of all
But sooner and not later
It ate up Andrew raw

It’s okay to be a rascal
And bother dads and mothers
But it’s just dumb to break stuff
Or hurt yourself and others

by Richard W. Bray

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Posted in Poetry for Kids | Leave a Comment »

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