Posts Tagged ‘humorous poetry’

Leave me Alone

June 26, 2011

Go_Away_400x400

Leave me Alone


I don’t want to eat my spinach
I don’t want to do my chores
I don’t want to clean the bathroom
I just want to eat some s’mores

I don’t want to iron my trousers
I don’t want to cut the lawn
I don’t want to do my homework
I just want to play till dawn

I don’t want to plant a garden
I don’t want to wash the car
I don’t want to do the dishes
I just want to look at stars

I don’t want to work for money
I don’t want to paint my home
I don’t want to fix the plumbing
I just want to be alone

by Richard W. Bray

Let Me Tell Ya’

June 8, 2011

Let Me Tell Ya’

Cinderella:
Let me tall ya’
Her prince is one happy fella

Ichabod Crane:
Don’t lose your brain
Enough to drive a guy insane

Frankenstein:
No friend of mine
Scarin’ people all the time

Hercules:
Golly geez
He can bench press eighteen trees

Mother Goose:
On the loose
With stories for the kids to use

Winnie Pooh:
How do you do?
Got some honey just for you

Charlie Brown:
Don’t be a clown
Kick that football. Don’t fall down

Mr. Ed:
He often said,
“Don’t make me glue when I am dead”

by Richard W. Bray

Sarah Fitzgerald

April 26, 2011

Carl

Sarah Fitzgerald

Sarah Fitzgerald and her brother Harold
Went to the park to play
But no girls nor boys and none of their toys
Could be found that day

For a monster named Larry and his cousin Jerry
Had scared them all away
So Sarah decided the two should be chided
And she had much to say

She marched to their dwelling, the one which was smelling
Of grime, garbage and gore
Though her brother pleaded, young Sarah proceeded
To walk right up to the door

Their uncle appeared, looking quite weird
Drenched in the blood of a boar:
“I’m not sorry to say that the two ran away.
They don’t live here any more.”

Harold told Sarah to leave it alone or a paira’
Dead youngsters they’d be
But Sarah declared that she wouldn’t be scared
By a monster or two, nor by three

Harold was prudent, an erstwhile student
Of monsters and their history:
“In Nineteen-oh-two they made a big stew
Of children like you and like me!”

Sarah was headstrong, “I will get along
With or without you around
And I’ll have you know that I’m willing to go
To the village where monsters abound”

Poor Harold followed, all fear he swallowed
As they journeyed to menacing grounds:
The City of Doom, a patch of great gloom
Where hideous creatures are found

As they entered the city where nothing is pretty
They suddenly started to hear
Wails and groans and hideous moans
Her brother quivered with fear

Several gargoyles and ghouls sporting boils
Grew increasingly near
Sarah’s pace quickened, the musty air thickened
But she knew her quest was sincere

An ogre named Carl said with a snarl,
“These two wayward youngins’ are mad
But here you are, you’ve traveled so far
Without your mum or you dad”

Sarah inquired, “Sir, help is desired.
Some monsters are making me mad
That hooligan Larry and his cousin Jerry
Have been cruel, naughty and bad”

The cantankerous ogre stared a cruel glare
And veins bulged out on his head
Harold shut eyes. The kid realized
The two were soon to be dead

Carl shuddered and shook. Poor Sarah couldn’t look
The air was frozen with dread
They thought he’d explode or perhaps he’d implode
He began to chortle instead

“My dear, I must say you do have a way.
That’s the best laugh I’ve had in a while
You deserve to be praised in various ways
For remarkable gumption and style”

What then ensued can only be viewed
As a case for the Odd Monster Files
(Folks who were there are likely to swear
That he even broke into a smile)

“You know, I reckon, someone should beckon
Those two young rascals to me”
This was no sooner said than the two lads were led
On a chain for all to see

They proceeded to plead that their dastardly deed
Was merely some young monster fun
The cousins then learned in quite certain terms
That their kid-scaring days were now done

Now Sarah’s revered and heartily cheered
Whenever she comes to the park
The children can play not simply all day
But even when it turns dark

Now Harold tells all that it was his call
To boldly and bravely embark
On that fateful day when two kids went away
To protect all who play in the park

by Richard W. Bray

I Tried

April 11, 2011

I Tried

I tried to clean my chimney
But it covered me with soot
I tried to wire my speakers
But they smoked and went kaput
I tried to lift a dumbbell
But I dropped it on my foot

I tried to tip my waiter
But his pockets were all full
I tried to wear a sweater
But I’m so itchy from the wool
I tried to ride my horsey
But I saddled up a bull

I tried to wash my car
But it began to rain
I tried some jumping jacks
But that gave me a pain
I want to do what’s right
But it’s driving me insane

by Richard W. Bray

Frannie’s Fortress

March 26, 2011

Frannie’s Fortress

Frannie’s best friend moved away
This made her very sad
When other kids went out to play
She stayed home with her dad

Naturally she felt her
Heart had hit a wall
So she sought herself a shelter
From torment, big and small

Frannie figured it was best
To keep her feelings gated
She’d build for them a fortress
To be locked and palisaded

She planned a sanctuary
Where a girl could find refuge
This stronghold would be very
Fortified and huge

She would make herself a maven
On battlements and forts
To build a bulwark and a haven
And protect her lonely heart

She’d defend her citadel
With fulltime guards on call
And no one could even tell
If she ever cried at all

As she began to write
In a notebook on the floor
Daddy was a welcome sight:
“You have people at the door.”

Sally, Ann and Mary
Came to see if she could play
They had themselves a very
Funterrific day

Daddy said, “I made some lunch
And all your friends can stay.”
The girls all drank some punch
And Frannie put her plans away

by Richard W. Bray

Walter the Wombat

March 3, 2011

Walter the Wombat

Walter Wombat went to the store
To find his family some food
The sun was shining, and what’s more
He was in a wonderful mood

When Walter got to the market
The lot was nearly full
As he maneuvered his car to park it
He backed into an angry bull

The bull stepped out of its Audi
And stomped right up to his car
As Walter prepared to say, “Howdy”
He noticed it had a huge scar

This bull didn’t look real pleasant
So Walter prepared for a fight
That’s when a ring-necked pheasant
Marched right into their sight

“Of course, y’all don’t know me”
Said Fred with a glint in his eye
“But I was wondering who could show me
Where worms fall out of the sky”

The bull looked down at Freddy
As steam came out of its nose
And the little bird got ready
To defend against terrible blows

“You really don’t want to perturb me”
Said the bull with blood in his eye
“And it’s a real mistake to disturb me
When I’m about to gore this guy”

Fred said, “I do beg your pardon
I surely do hate to bud in
And I guess I should be startin’
Home to be with my kin”

The bull turned its head quite slowly
Offended by Freddy’s words
“Did you just call me Shirley, lowly
Ring-necked little bird?”

“I believe that you’re mistaken”
Said Walter ignoring his terrors
No bird should be forsaken
For simple linguistic errors”

“The two words surely and Shirley
Are a pair of homophones
So before you get hurly burly
And speak in angry tones…”

But the bull was through with talking
He began to snort and stomp
The world was suddenly rocking
This bull was ready to romp

The bull chased after the wombat
Who headed straight for the stream
He preferred swimming to combat
He had no wish to be creamed

They both ended up in the water
But this didn’t cool off the bull
Which pointed and reared for slaughter
Until he felt the pull

The current quickly took him
To an ocean miles away
The bystanders there mistook him
For a surfer who’d lost his way

This story that I have selected
Has a moral over for you to mull:
Always stay cool and collected
And never back into a bull

by Richard W. Bray

Best Friends Forever

February 12, 2011

Best Friends Forever

Sally and Kathy were Best Friends Forever
Till Kathy told Sally’s secrets to Heather
The girls are refusing to speak to each other
And Sally is home crying to Mother

by Richard W. Bray

Rudely Interrupter

February 3, 2011

Rudely Interrupter


Good friends were talking and sharing their mirth
When in walked a storm of incurable dearth
A salesman by trade and a bother since birth
An insidious creature who slithers on Earth

Rudely Interrupter: his given name
Playing Budinski: his favorite game
Though no one is ever glad that he came
He’ll bug one and all every time just the same

by Richard W. Bray

Personal Responsibility

January 25, 2011

Personal Responsibility

I said I’d clean the chimney
So just calm down
It’s stupid to complain
It already burnt down

I said I’d fix the fridge
So what’s the big deal?
Food’s all spoiled
Let’s go out for a meal

I said I’d feed the fish
I know I forgot
I’m sorry they’re all dead
But at least I’m not

I said I’d cook dinner
But I’m a busy guy
I hear your stomach growling
I can’t imagine why

I said I’d do the laundry
It’s just as well
I hate to tell ya’
But you really smell?

I said I’d pay the bills
And here you are
Just nagging and moaning
They already took your car

I don’t go around telling people what to do
But you need to grow up, if you want my view
If you want it done right, then do it on your own
By the way, I’m outta’ cash. Could your buddy get a loan?

by Richard W. Bray

It Takes all Kinds

January 21, 2011

It Takes all Kinds

If I’m askance, then you’re askew
I walk crooked, but you do too
Words you say won’t make me blue
Cuz’ I don’t have to be like you

If I like my purple hair,
Or pants inside my underwear,
Or pantaloons that twelve could share
Why should you care what clothes I wear?

If I want to eat some beets,
Or blue bananas and hamster feet,
Or gray tamales with lizard meat
Why would you rue the food I eat?

I don’t care if you eat squid
Or leave an open toilet lid
Don’t need a big list of forbid
To raise a happy, healthy kid

Glad your teeth are jeweled and pearled
And all your nose-hairs have been curled
This simple truth must be unfurled:
It takes all kinds to make a world

by Richard W. Bray