Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

The Kingdom of Homophonia

September 28, 2010

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahomophone

The Kingdom of Homophonia

On a cold, damp night, the king’s favorite knight
Was feeling a little bit hoarse
Although not allowed, he wasn’t too proud
For singing aloud to his horse
(The horse, named Harry, had a brother named Larry
Who was truly more hairy than he)
Now Harry could see it was scary to be
Overlooking great cliffs by the sea
Of course, man and horse followed coarse course
Towards the castle of Don Palindrome
They had chosen to roam to the city of Rome
For that’s where the Don made his home
At a quarter to eight, the two stopped and ate
On a knoll by the side of the trail
The pair had fair fare: an apple, a pear,
And barbecued brisket of quail
They rode down the road and passed a plain plane
Which they had not seen in the past
Man slept as horse led, though its legs felt like lead
They no longer traveled so fast
When the brave knight awoke, a spooky voice spoke,
“Just what are you doing down here?”
A giant hole had swallowed them whole
And something quite scary was near
A sorceress named Shirley appeared and exclaimed,
“Surely, you will die today!
You’ve discovered our coven and you will know
Why visitors do not get away.”
The young knight interjected he had not detected
Which witch was truly in charge
When an old witch named Carrie proceeded to carry
A bucket that was rather large
Gizzards and guts from previous guests
(Who’s to say whose innards they were)
The knight turned pale as he peered in the pail
Staggering away from her
Carrie declared, “They’re two victims right there.
And their hides ain’t going nowhere.
You’re aware that in hours your flesh will be ours
You’ll make a delicious pair”
The two were too scared and quite unprepared
To wind up as anyone’s meal
For four long days, witches roasted and braised
When Beth finally said to Lucille,
“I’d like you to meet the meat we will eat.
It’s time to sprinkle in thyme
And oh, by the way, how much do they weigh?
Does anyone have any lime?”
Although in a daze from not eating for days
The knight had come up with a plan
He had been able to steal a sharp piece of steel
Which he hid in the palm of his hand
Not able to cut clear through the knot
He managed to slide around
Then Harry bit through and off they threw
The cords which held them down
They had no time to heal with witches at heel
As they headed back to the trail
By the hair on his tail, Harry’s speed did prevail
And they both lived to tell this tale

by Richard W. Bray

Ridiculous Journey

September 25, 2010

Ridiculous Journey

Half way between here and nowhere
My brand new car broke down
So I got out and started walking
Towards the nearest town

I happened across a diner
And decided to stop for some chow
The cat behind the counter
Said only, “Meow, meow.”

I ordered a tuna omelet
With a side of Kitty Bits
I washed it down with milk
I was starting to lose my wits

I paid my bill with catnip
And headed on down the road
In my haste I nearly stepped on
One humongous toad

His name, I guessed, was Ribbit
Or at least it was all that he said
We hopped to the nearest hotel
I slept on a damp lily bed

I was awakened at two in the morning
By various animal sounds
I rushed right down to the desk clerk
Who turned out to be an old hound

I rang the bell for service
The dog stepped into the room
I complained about my problem
He just howled at the moon

Unable to return to my lodgings
I decided to head for my car
Yonder I heard a cock crowing
I knew it wouldn’t be very far

A meerkat guided my journey
My car was easy to find
I started the engine and headed for home
Before I lost my mind

I pulled into my driveway
Now overcome with relief
My dog was there with my paper
It was almost beyond belief

I took the paper from Fido
I was just regaining my grip
When he looked at me and uttered,
“I heard you had quite a trip.”

by Richard W. Bray

The One That Almost Got Away

September 21, 2010

The One That Almost Got Away

Eustace used to yell at Ted
He yelled so loud he lost his head
It rolled and rolled right down a hill
It rolled past Jack. It rolled past Jill
The head continued to pick up speed
And trundled right down to the sea
When it fell in I heard a plop
Sadly for Eustace, it did not stop
The head descended deeper and deeper
Past flounders and sturgeons and past the keeper
Of the gates to a dangerous zone
Where even the bravest won’t venture alone
The head was captured by a squid
Who hoped to feed it to her kid
When a hungry shark tapped it away
It was grabbed by a guppy who wished to play
Sea volleyball with a huge anemone
The head shut its eyes for it couldn’t bear to see
Countless tentacles smacking it round
When all it wanted was to reach dry ground
An eel was getting ready to serve
When a school of piranha caused it to swerve
The head was snatched by a graceful skate
Who was looking for a paperweight
The skate headed home to bring his wife
A conversation piece to spice up life
When the head was snagged by a Dutch fishing boat
(I hardly believe these words I wrote
But I saw it myself, so I know it’s true
Still, let’s keep this all between me and you)
The sailors who took this head from the sea
Decided to send it back home, C.O.D.
A competent doctor was quickly dispatched
Who was able to get the head reattached
Now Eustace rarely raises his voice
He’ll write a note when given the choice

by Richard W. Bray

Trading Cards

September 20, 2010

Trading Cards

Tommy got some trading cards and they were pretty cool
Robots, zombies, aliens—he took them all to school
He traded them to Danny cuz he really liked to deal
For an old lunch box and toaster tarts, he knew it was a steal
Then Carol saw the wondrous cards and said, “They’re so unique!”
Dazzled by the magic cards, the girl could hardly speak
She bartered coat and shoes for those fantastic trading cards
Her barefoot walk home through the snow really wasn’t hard
Carol was renowned for her tremendous sacrifice
The cards increased in value and, indeed, in price
Her phone rang off the hook that night with offers great and grand
A poor young lad named Webster even offered his right hand
Eventually a boy named Bob proposed the perfect bid
For Robert Jacob Winthrop was an enterprising kid
He mortgaged off his parent’s house while they at a show
He’d double his investment before they’d ever know
Bob took all precautions to protect his precious cards
He showed up at school now with six big bodyguards
He commissioned the town blacksmith to build a special box
With a battery of safeguards, including several locks
A youngster they called Rufus asked, “Whatya’ holdin’ there?”
Bob responded hastily “Kid, get away from here!
I’m a famous trader and I have no time for lose
If you don’t get away right now, you’ll really have the blues”
Rufus looked at Bob and said, “It wouldn’t hurt to be nice.
I just want to see the cards that fetched so great a price.”
Bob showed the cards to Rufus who said without suspense,
“But they’re just like the ones I got for fifty-seven cents”

by Richard W. Bray

Heroes

September 14, 2010

Heroes

Although their chances for triumph were slim
Debbie and David and Gertrude and Tim
Set off on their journey with vigor and vim

Across jungles and forests and deserts and seas
Past lions and tigers and dragons and bees
In speedboats, on horses, in planes and on skis

The four were compelled on their eminent quest
To a kingdom of various trials and tests
Through a mystical closet of sweaters and vests

They scuffled with demons and monsters and fiends
And werewolves and vampires and wicked old queens
And goblins and ogres and evil machines

They struggled for decades and centuries and more
They won all their battles and settled old scores
With praises and plaudits and triumphs galore

Our heroes retired, folklore’s great winners
They pardoned the saints and punished the sinners
And still made it back to their families by dinner

by Richard W. Bray

You Should

September 11, 2010

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You Should

You should wake up early
You should never stop to play
You should not waste your time
You should work hard every day

You should save up every penny
You should put it all away
You should be very frugal
You should plan for rainy days

You should maximize potential
You should see what you can be
You should live to make more money
You should be just like me

by Richard W. Bray

Robert J. Dutton

September 9, 2010

Robert J. Dutton

Robert J. Dutton, a nice little boy
For both his folks, a true pride and joy
He’s kind and helpful in all manner of chores
He does all the dishes and oils creaky doors

But young Robbie Dutton has one little flaw
So minor it’s hardly worth mentioning at all
Despite bribes and threats and forecasts of doom
Robert J. Dutton just won’t clean his room

As days and weeks and years passed by
Robert J. Dutton—this wonderful guy
Began to emit an unhealthy aroma
One kid who smelled it went into a coma

The source of this odor, of course, is his room
I’ll attempt to describe it with minimal gloom:
It’s fusty and musty and dusty and dank
Kids in Australia complain ’bout the stank

The haphazard pile of waste on the shelf
Could only be seen by a junkman as pelf
Green grimy grunge covers the floor
It oozed ‘cross the room and spilt out the door

The garbage and junk and offal and rubble
And gunk and debris are a great source of trouble
The litter and rubbish and refuse and trash
Threaten to cause the walls to collapse

Beneath it all (this hurts to explain!)
Are twelve frozen meals—or at least their remains
The walls are caked with much muck and mire
The strong methane fumes are a real risk of fire

When finally the neighbors couldn’t take any more
They called the police who didn’t wish to explore
The cavern of filth at the end of the hall
So Officer Murphy decided to call

Federal agents, all the great masters
Of famines and floods and natural disasters
Who red-tagged the house they would not dare enter
That haven of crud was smut’s epicenter

The room was declared off limits to all
The army reserve has been placed on call
The Duttons, of course, have all been sent packing
For raising a boy whose neatness was lacking

by Richard W. Bray

Thin Ice

September 7, 2010

My teacher got annoyed and said,
“You’re skating on thin ice”
I said, “Let’s make some snow cones”
And I got detention twice

The skeleton in my closet
Cannot come out to play
It’s not that I have secrets
I’m scared he’ll run away

If the fork in the road
Had been a spoon
My piano would be
Out of tune

We can cross that bridge
If we actually get to it
Or we could swim the moat
I’m not afraid to do it

Did you pull my leg?
Or did you really lose my keys?
I can no longer walk
You dislocated both my knees

I threw my watch off the cliff
To see if time would fly
My daddy sent me after it
I’m not a happy guy

“Do you want to wet your whistle
With pop or tea?”
“Can I please have a drink?
I’m not a referee”

“If you don’t do your chores
You’ll be in hot water”
“I really can’t believe
That you’d boil your only daughter”

by Richard W. Bray

Remembrances

September 5, 2010

Remembrances

I’m too big for the baby bars
On the jungle gym
I’m too old to make mudpies
With my little brother Tim

I no longer have tea parties
With imaginary friends
One must give up silliness
When early childhood ends

I retired my blue blanket
It was tattered, worn, and torn
And it made me look so foolish
Like some kid who’d just been born

My rubber ducky’s in the trash
I’ve started taking showers
Now I’m texting all my friends
On the phone for hours

I miss those carefree days
When a kid could be a kid
Sometimes I reminisce
About all the things I did

by Richard W. Bray

Tock, Tock, Tick, Tick

September 1, 2010

Tick, tick, tock, tock
Take your hamster for a walk
Tock, tock, tick, tick
Twenty miles should do the trick

Fie, fum, foe, fee
Chase a monkey up a tree
Fum, fee, fie, foe
Do not let the ladder go

A, B, C, D
Pick some posies just for me
D, B, C, A
Any color is okay

Flip, flip, flop, flop
Elevator to the top
Flop, flop, flip, flip
Have yourself a happy trip

One, two, three, four
Shoot the ball to raise the score
Two, one, four, three
Time to pass the ball to me

Ding, ding, dong, dong
Sing yourself a happy song
Dong, dong, ding, ding
O what joy the day can bring

by Richard W. Bray