Dishes
Are the dishes in the dishwasher clean?
Did you forget to turn on the machine?
Are the dishes in the dishwasher clean?
Why are they foul and obscene?
Are the dishes in the dishwasher clean?
They s lack all luster and sheen.
Are the dishes in the dishwasher clean?
Why are they yucky moldy green?
Are the dishes in the dishwasher clean?
You look confused; don’t you know what I mean?
Are the dishes in the dishwasher clean?
by Richard W. Bray
It would be redundant to say that Dave was “completely devastated” when his hamster died because there cannot be degrees of devastation. I can be extremely scared by radio reports of zombies in my neighborhood, but it would be inexact to say that I am extremely terrified. Conversely, it would be oxymoronic* to declare that Dave was only “slightly devastated” by the news of his hamster’s untimely demise.
For the poet (by which I also of course mean the novelist) the phrases completely devastated and slightly devastated have all sorts of wonderful possibilities. However, writers seeking precision with their words (students enrolled in a Freshman Composition class, for example) should avoid such phrases.
* George Carlin has helpful lists of redundancies and oxymora in his book Braindroppings
Evaluation
State whether the highlighted portions of the following sentences are redundant, oxymoronic, or grammatically acceptable.
1. I was a tad heartbroken when my wife left me for my younger brother.
2. My aunt is a little bit pregnant.
3. Dresden was totally incinerated by the Allied bombing.
4. Pizza is extremely overrated.
5. My cat was completely dead after the accident.
6. Gertrude was a little bit exhausted after studying six straight hours for her English exam.
7. Osvaldo was completely miserable after he lost the tiddlywinks tournament.
8. The traffic around here is somewhat slow after jai alai matches.
9. Pham was extremely furious when I told her the results from Dancing with the Stars.
10. Ted overdosed slightly on pain medication.
by Richard W. Bray
Lies
The sky is green
The sea is pink
Babies don’t cry
And shit don’t stink
Money is sacred
People are not
What’s important
Is what you got
War is good
Bombs are smart
Might makes right
Killing is art
Anarchy is freedom
Lies are true
God loves us
More’n He loves you
Theft is liberation
Democracy, sublime
Self-defense is terror
Resistance is a crime
The sky is green
The sea is pink
Babies don’t cry
And shit don’t stink
by Richard W. Bray
Tivo
Chocolate Chip Pumpkin Bread
Ingredients
* 1 cup sugar
* 1 cup canned pumpkin
* 1/4 cup unsweetened applesauce
* 1/4 cup fat free vanilla yogurt
* 2 large egg whites
* 1 1/2 cups all purpose flour
* 1 tsp ground cinnamon
* 3/4 tsp salt
* 1/2 tsp baking soda
* 1/2 cup semisweet chocolate chips
* cooking spray
Preparation
* Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
* Combine first 5 ingredients in a large bowl, and stir well. In a medium bowl, combine flour, cinnamon, salt, and baking soda. Add flour mixture to pumpkin mixture, stirring just until moist. Stir in chocolate chips.
* Spoon batter into a loaf pan coated with cooking spray. Bake for 45-50 minutes or until a wooden pick inserted in the center comes out clean. Cool 10 minutes in pan, then remove. Cool completely on wire rack. Makes 16 slices.
**To make it even healthier, try Splenda instead of sugar! I didn’t want to try it for the first time making it, but the next time I make it I’m going to try this to see how it compares!
A face devoid of love or grace,
A hateful, hard, successful face,
Devoid
I’ve studied all one needs to know ‘bout every little thing
I’ve scoured the biographies of philosophes and kings
I’ve meditated countless hours on all that I have learned
And I’ve concluded modestly that clearly I have earned
The right to state objectively that all I would proclaim
Is exactly what should be, and wouldn’t it be a shame
If Lilliputian intellects and putrid second-raters
Or lily-livered losers and unmanly imitators
Would dare to think that they possess grit and gut and gall
To interrupt my project for the benefit of all?
Undermined by cowards and their miniscule bereavements
Who could not comprehend the scope of my achievement
Like pesky little gnats, they hindered my attention
Allowing mediocrities to cancel my ascension
These trifling mental midgets who dared to halt my plans
Don’t deserve to share the planet with a real fighting man
They can analyze the metrics until the end of time
And never comprehend the dimensions of their crime
When assessing this fiasco, please do not involve me
For I have every confidence that history will absolve me
by Richard W. Bray
The Road
road runs uphill
every day
you go out there
every day
logging miles to earn your meals
road runs uphill
every day
if you don’t struggle
every day
you’re probably spinning wheels
road runs uphill
every day
a tilted treadmill
all the way
washing clothes and scraping grills
road runs uphill
every day
and if you stop
to look away
you might end up taking a spill
road runs uphill
every day
so dance your song
all the way
and get your fill before you pay the bill
by Richard W. Bray
The Easy Way
My friend Sal looks really great
From fifteen years of lifting weight
I got buff the easy way
Photoshop in just one day
Credit cards are awfully nice
Until you have to pay the price
One day they hauled my stuff away
For buying things the easy way
My septic tank began to spew
I fixed it with some super glue
Then it burst one smelly day
The perils of the easy way
When it got too trashed for play
I packed up and moved away
Ain’t it always like I say?
Why not try the easy way?
Manual labor is awfully hard
And why should I clean my new yard?
Why not try the easy way?
And burn my troubles all away
Things don’t always go as planned
That little fire got out of hand
The fire chief hauled me away
For doing things the easy way
by Richard W. Bray
sports shorts
Serve and volley and attack
Whack that ball, I’ll whack it back
I’m about to bust my spleen
The score is only Love-fifteen
My ball’s brown and your ball’s green
Whydya’ hafta’ be so mean?
You just knocked my ball away
Nice guys just shouldn’t play croquet
Run and run and kick the ball
Run some more and take a fall
They kick your knees, they kick your shin
You still go out and run again
Spin and aim and throw and grunt
Putting shot is quite a stunt
But when the shot put’s in the air
Folks around had best beware
Red lines, blue lines guys with sticks
And pucks that feel as hard as bricks
But I can barely tie my skates
A hockey star won’t be my fate
by Richard W. Bray
Exceptionalism
Time for you to move
We vanquish all we see
It’s written and it’s manifest
None thwart our destiny
Only fools oppose us
We’ll squash you all like bugs
Those who won’t stand with us
Are the real thugs
Our creed is tried and tested
Our cause is pure and just
We aren’t doing what we should
We do the things we must
We never say we’re sorry
That would make us weak
We know that God is with us
Mighty Glory we shall seek
We’re right because we’re righteous
That makes us good and true
We needn’t bother listening
To anyone like you
by Richard W. Bray
Abandoned
For twenty-seven years
I worked the ‘ssembly line
Till traders bought the company
And robbed my pension blind
They crated up the factory
And shipped it overseas
Left fifteen thousand workers
Blowing in the breeze
Been outta work so long
I don’t know what to do
Been double-dealt and curb-kicked
Till my hide is black and blue
Filthy politicians
Say they love the working man
Seeking bribes and kickbacks
From stockbroker hand
Thievin’ doublecrossers
Drove this country off a cliff
Ain’t no golden parachute
For the working stiff
Been outta work so long
I don’t know what to do
Been double-dealt and curb-kicked
Till my hide is black and blue
The folks who run this country
Would sell they mamas’ soul
For a thousand votes
Or thirty bits of gold
The Dream that was America
Is swirling down the drain
This country used to build things
Now we manufacture pain
Been outta work so long
I don’t know what to do
Been double-dealt and curb-kicked
Till my hide is black and blue
by Richard W. Bray
Laughter hope sock in the eye's Blog 