Laughter hope sock in the eye's Blog

The Deep Blue Sea

I once had a notion to jump in the ocean
And swim right over to France
But halfway there, I got a big tear
Right in the seat of my pants
So I dove strait down where I found
A mermaid who wanted to dance
I didn’t know her name, but just the same
I decided to take a chance

We danced and played and happily strayed.
I’d never known such mirth
We swam near and far under the stars.
I paddled for all I was worth
As daylight neared there suddenly appeared
A merman of sizable girth
He said with a sigh, “Now you must die
For she’s been my betrothed since birth.”

The mermaid, Annette said, “I will not let
You harm one hair on his head!”
The merman, named Dan said,
“Darling, I plan to see him swim with the dead”
(I must now disclose, though bravely I posed
My heart was filled with dread
Why couldn’t I have tried a machine that flied
Like a blimp or a plane instead?)

As the merman advanced, we no longer danced.
His eyes were filled with hate
And as he came near, I was filled with a fear
I cannot now relate
I closed my eyes and prayed to the skies
For I could not face my fate
But before I turned dead, someone suddenly said,
“Look, it’s a Sea Magistrate!”

The magistrate, named Nate said, “Sorry I’m late.
I had to visit some kin
Now, let me see. Oh, can it be,
Old Dan is at it again?
By the law of the sea I declare this girl free.
The next time I will run in”
Then mighty Dan shrunk like can
You’d find in the recycle bin

Today I can say, as I watch my kids play,
“I’m the luckiest guy around.”
And my folks say Annette, although somewhat wet,
Is the best wife I could have found
We were married by Nate, which would indicate
That our wedding vows are sound
My life is pure joy. I’m the happiest boy.
And I hardly miss dry ground

by Richard W. Bray

Resume

Today my sources tell me
That you want to be my friend
But first I must inform you
That my standards do not bend

Good for you if your blood’s blue
Do you have kin that’s presidential?
If you’re also good at math
I would say you’ve got potential

Please fill out this application
Only twenty-seven pages
With DNA that’s a-okay
We might be buddies for the ages

And if you would not mind
One small pain in the neck
Such a sensible precaution
Just a simple background check

You might think me an extremist
Stuck up, arrogant and bold
I shall not apologize
I have standards to uphold

Now walk my dog and clean my room
And let me drive your Hummer
If your family has a pool
We’ll be good throughout the summer

If you don’t think it’s worth it
Just to be my friend
I’d say your lack of judgment
Will only hurt you in the end

by Richard W. Bray

The Snootysnouts

The Snootysnouts of East Wampoo
An exclusive bunch—sad but true
Barely able to stand each other
I met one who shunned her mother
So much pride, so little heart
They live to set themselves apart
Secret codes, restrictive clubs
Are how they execute their snubs
Having eliminated all inferiors
Now they vie to be superiors
Separating by social station
Even detaching from closest relations
The loneliest people under the sun
Are only happy in groups of one

by Richard W. Bray

Baseball Cards

Mike Schmidt said to Rod Carew
“Round up a team to play my crew”
Carew found Bench, Yaz and Cey
“We’ll take you on any day”
Then Tom Seaver shouted out
“What’s the clamor all about?”
And Griffey the Elder and Tommy John
Jumped up and asked, “What’s goin’ on?”
And Reggie questioned Bobby Grich
“What time’s this game and who’s to pitch?”
Catfish Hunter was ready to start
So long as Thurman would play his part
They chose up teams and played for hours
Till it was time to hit the showers

In an old shoebox in a damp garage
They hit and pitch and throw and dodge
Waiting for Jimmy to come to play
But he grew up and moved away

by Richard W. Bray

Gilbert Mclean

Gilbert Mclean loves to complain
About his job and his car and his life
He can gripe and groan, growl and moan
All day long to his wife

His feet are too big, his shoes are too small
His boss, a tyrannical fool
His hair is too thin, his nose is too long
And he should have stayed in school

His house is too cold, his porch is too hot
His pants are torn in the rear
His dog is too loud, his boombox too quiet
And the end is always quite near

Dear Margaret Mclean is nearly insane
Alas, she can no longer hear
For her husband’s inane need to complain
Has blistered both of her ears

by Richard W. Bray

Tantrum

If you don’t do just what I want, I think I’ll have to scream
I’d really rather not, you know, and all in all, you seem
Like a man, fair and wise, one who would never dream
Of doing things which make me mad, one who I’d never deem

Unworthy of my highest praise unless, of course, you do
Not give in to all my taunts and take me to the zoo
In that case I will hold my breath till one of us turns blue
You see, of course, it’s not my fault. The blame must fall on you

If I drop dead or merely faint, you can’t say you weren’t warned
You’ll feel like a total jerk as I am being mourned
You’ll be ridiculed by friend and foe and quite roundly scorned
You’ll be cast as worse than Satan, a devil hooved and horned

So like I said, it’s up to you to do the thing that’s right
I can’t be held responsible if you don’t see the light
You must obey my every wish if you don’t want a fight
And do everything I ask of you, morning, noon, and night

by Richard W. Bray

Courageous Cowboys

Tennessee Tex and Cherokee Bob
Sat down by the fire one night
Bob said, “Tex, did you hear ‘bout the time
I was attacked by an angry mite?”

“He was fearsome but I kept my cool
And reached for my Bowie knife
I maneuvered him round and slipped away
And barely escaped with my life”

“Tex” said, Bob, “I am awfully impressed
You’re a model of courage and guile
It reminds me of that day last June
When I hiked for over a mile

“And I’m not talking about just any hike
I trekked through a treacherous terrain
The mall was crowded that afternoon
And my corns were causing great pain”

Then Idaho Biff sidled up to the fire
And asked to sit for a spell
They gladly obliged and shared their grub
He had many tales to tell

The hearty ranch hand had barely set down
And gotten some chow in his craw
When he said, “Hey fellas, I don’t suppose
That I ever revealed to y’all

“My glorious tale of derring-do
When the wicked Dakota winds blew
I’m a humble sort who never brags
But I’ll make an exception for you

“It was a windy, dark December day
Heading through the wicked Bambi Pass
When I lost sight of my dashboard controls
My S.U.V. plum run outta’ gas

“Like a true cowhand I knew what to do
I reached for my handy cell phone
The tow truck man was there in a flash
Thank goodness I wasn’t alone”

by Richard W. Bray

Mine

The houses and the buildings and everything you see
Each molecule for miles around. It all belongs to me
So if you want to live here, you have to pay me rent
Collected on the first each month, exactly to the cent

You ask me how I got so rich, I did it bit by bit
I began collecting years ago and simply never quit
I have storage bins and warehouses filled with all my things
It’s hard for me to say what joy each acquisition brings

Like the man who’s always eating, yet never feels fulfilled
My appetite for acquisition is impossible to kill
If I see it, I must have it. It’s no more complex than this
The desire deep inside me is an unfillable abyss

Each day I wake up early, I’m at my desk by four
It’s nice to have a lot of stuff, but better having more
In the world of human wishes, I am a grand colossus
I cannot forsake my fate, to be boss of all the bosses

I take no joy in what I have while I crave what I will gain
For all of my tomorrows will be chances to attain
More and more and more and more stuff that will be mine
But now I have to say goodbye. I have so little time

by Richard W. Bray

I Hate to be the One to Tell you this, but…

I didn’t wanna’ tell ya’
But your puppy just died
I heard it from Lester
Who cried and cried

I didn’t wanna’ tell ya’
But your house is on fire
I heard it from Terrence
You know he’s not a liar

I didn’t wanna’ tell ya’
But you stepped in poop
I heard it from Doris
Now you’re in the loop

I didn’t wanna’ tell ya’
But your car got jacked
I heard it from Albert
I doubt you’ll get it back

I didn’t wanna’ tell ya’
But your cat ran away
I heard it from Becky
Are you having a bad day?

I hate to spread so much bad news
But someone’s gotta’ say it
And certainly a friend would be
The one who should relay it

by Richard W. Bray

I Beg Your Pardon

Bonehead, moron, dirty bird
Dimwit, nitwit, nasty word
Peon, cretin, philistine
Dufus, dork , phrase obscene
Peabrain, putz, pinhead, punk
Wierdo, whacko, weasel, skunk
Knucklehead, stupidhead, hockey puck
Lamebrain, birdbrain, wounded duck
Halfwit, numbskull, idiot, freak
Sclemeel, schlemazel nincompoop, geek
Jerk, clown, lout, stupidhead
Kook, dolt, dunce, dunderhead,
Imbecile, fool, ignoramus
Simpleton, oaf, just the same as
A blockhead, dullard, ninny or flake,
Get off my foot, for goodness sake

by Richard W. Bray