Gilbert Mclean

October 12, 2009

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Gilbert Mclean

Gilbert Mclean loves to complain
About his job and his car and his life
He can gripe and groan, growl and moan
All day long to his wife

His feet are too big, his shoes are too small
His boss, a tyrannical fool
His hair is too thin, his nose is too long
And he should have stayed in school

His house is too cold, his porch is too hot
His pants are torn in the rear
His dog is too loud, his boombox too quiet
And the end is always quite near

Dear Margaret Mclean is nearly insane
Alas, she can no longer hear
For her husband’s inane need to complain
Has blistered both of her ears

by Richard W. Bray

Tantrum

October 9, 2009

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Tantrum

If you don’t do just what I want, I think I’ll have to scream
I’d really rather not, you know, and all in all, you seem
Like a man, fair and wise, one who would never dream
Of doing things which make me mad, one who I’d never deem

Unworthy of my highest praise unless, of course, you do
Not give in to all my taunts and take me to the zoo
In that case I will hold my breath till one of us turns blue
You see, of course, it’s not my fault. The blame must fall on you

If I drop dead or merely faint, you can’t say you weren’t warned
You’ll feel like a total jerk as I am being mourned
You’ll be ridiculed by friend and foe and quite roundly scorned
You’ll be cast as worse than Satan, a devil hooved and horned

So like I said, it’s up to you to do the thing that’s right
I can’t be held responsible if you don’t see the light
You must obey my every wish if you don’t want a fight
And do everything I ask of you, morning, noon, and night

by Richard W. Bray

Courageous Cowboys

October 8, 2009

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Courageous Cowboys

Tennessee Tex and Cherokee Bob
Sat down by the fire one night
Bob said, “Tex, did you hear ‘bout the time
I was attacked by an angry mite?”

“He was fearsome but I kept my cool
And reached for my Bowie knife
I maneuvered him round and slipped away
And barely escaped with my life”

“Tex” said, Bob, “I am awfully impressed
You’re a model of courage and guile
It reminds me of that day last June
When I hiked for over a mile

“And I’m not talking about just any hike
I trekked through a treacherous terrain
The mall was crowded that afternoon
And my corns were causing great pain”

Then Idaho Biff sidled up to the fire
And asked to sit for a spell
They gladly obliged and shared their grub
He had many tales to tell

The hearty ranch hand had barely set down
And gotten some chow in his craw
When he said, “Hey fellas, I don’t suppose
That I ever revealed to y’all

“My glorious tale of derring-do
When the wicked Dakota winds blew
I’m a humble sort who never brags
But I’ll make an exception for you

“It was a windy, dark December day
Heading through the wicked Bambi Pass
When I lost sight of my dashboard controls
My S.U.V. plum run outta’ gas

“Like a true cowhand I knew what to do
I reached for my handy cell phone
The tow truck man was there in a flash
Thank goodness I wasn’t alone”

by Richard W. Bray

Mine

October 7, 2009

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Mine

The houses and the buildings and everything you see
Each molecule for miles around. It all belongs to me
So if you want to live here, you have to pay me rent
Collected on the first each month, exactly to the cent

You ask me how I got so rich, I did it bit by bit
I began collecting years ago and simply never quit
I have storage bins and warehouses filled with all my things
It’s hard for me to say what joy each acquisition brings

Like the man who’s always eating, yet never feels fulfilled
My appetite for acquisition is impossible to kill
If I see it, I must have it. It’s no more complex than this
The desire deep inside me is an unfillable abyss

Each day I wake up early, I’m at my desk by four
It’s nice to have a lot of stuff, but better having more
In the world of human wishes, I am a grand colossus
I cannot forsake my fate, to be boss of all the bosses

I take no joy in what I have while I crave what I will gain
For all of my tomorrows will be chances to attain
More and more and more and more stuff that will be mine
But now I have to say goodbye. I have so little time

by Richard W. Bray

Sound Effects, Air Guitar and Spooky Little Chicks (By Brian)

October 6, 2009

(Editor’s Note: Brian S. Linville is an educator and existential warrior who lives in Southern California. You can reach him at brianslinville@gmail.com)

Sound Effects, Air Guitar and Spooky Little Chicks

I want to hear flowers sing the blues
And wrestle the sunset for possession of the day
Mold diamonds with my teeth
And hear the Devil pray

Then when all the hungry have been fed
And the last word has been said,
I will sit down on my bed with a sigh,
For then and only then will I ever be ready to die.

Me and Michael Medved

October 5, 2009

Me and Michael Medved

Like his reactionary radio compatriot Dr. Laura, Michael Medved casts himself as a paladin of “judeo-christian” values, which seems rather curious to this particular third-generation nonbeliever. And I would guess that even the most politically conservative American Jews would find Medved’s peculiar avocation to be ill-advised at best when you consider how often anti-Semitism has been held up as a “Christian virtue” over the last two millennia. But Medved took his curious brand of self-flagellating philo-Christianity to a new level when he suggested that American Jews really shouldn’t get so worked up about Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ, which is, after all, fundamentally a tribute to Christian piety. This all brings me to the brush with greatness I experienced with Mr. Medved a few years back:

So there I am at my local Border’s in Montclair, California, listening to the latest Burt Bacharach tribute cd, when I looked up and saw a familiar face. It took me a second to figure out who it was.

“Do I know that guy?” I thought. Then it hit me—It was that reactionary movie reviewer creep, Michael Medved. It really is weird to see one of those little talking heads in person, outside of the idiot box.

So I took off my headphones and sauntered on over to the edge of the crowd—it wasn’t a crowd exactly, perhaps a dozen or so people. Medved was hawking his new book (Saving Childhood) about how The Media, public schools and radical left-wing textbook publishers are terrifying our children into believing that our world is on the brink of an ecological catastrophe. Unfortunately for Medved, this new book, which I’m sure he worked very hard on, was not selling very well, particularly in relation to his previous book which was about how Hollywood scorns (you guessed it) “traditional Judeo-Christian values”. The scanty sales of the book he was peddling, coupled with the sparseness of his audience, seem to have triggered a rather unattractive side of the author’s personality.

Medved began by offering some examples of how textbooks are designed to terrify children into becoming rabid environmentalists. Had I chosen to speak, my first point would have been that it was obvious that Medved had done an extremely selective examination of said textbooks, a topic upon which I, as an elementary-school teacher, could have spoken to with some authority. However, I would have conceded the point that there is never a good excuse for frightening the kids, even if the world really were going to hell in a bucket.

But like a coward, I stood in silence. (Or perhaps it was wisdom and prudence which kept me silent. As Castiglione noted, “Every vice has its corresponding virtue.”) Anyhow, I continued to listen to the second part of Medved’s argument, which was basically that Global Warming is really just a bunch of hype.

At this point, a young women in the audience had the temerity to question some of his points, and Medved completely lost it.

“How old are you?” He thundered.

“I really don’t see what that has to do with anything?” The young lady wisely and bravely responded.

“Just answer me!” He continued to shout.

“Nineteen.”

“Nineteen! This is nothing personal, but at nineteen a person simply doesn’t have the experience to…”

“Are you saying that my opinions are invalid simply because of my…”

“You are being very rude!” Medved cut her off. “Do you know the scientific background of the people who signed the Kyoto Protocol? Do you? Most of them were behavioral scientists!”

At this point, Medved looked up at me at the outskirts of his diminishing audience. I grimaced, slowly shook my head back and forth, and walked away.

When I got home that night, I went over the discussion several times in my head, coming up with lots of wonderful rejoinders to Medved’s rant. For example: “Even if what you say about the scientific credentials of the Kyoto signers were actually true, there are plenty of real scientist who believe that Global warming is a real threat.” But I didn’t say anything when I had the chance, and I left that poor young girl to fend for herself against the maniacal Mr. Medved. Maybe I really am a writer.

by Richard W. Bray

Innocence: A Famed American Virtue Demolished in a Wicked Novella by Herman Melville

October 2, 2009

Innocence: A Famed American Virtue Demolished in a Wicked Novella by Herman Melville

Today we are nearly unanimous in the belief that all forms of slavery constitute an unpardonable crime against humanity because murder, rape, torture and the forced separation of families are its inevitable consequences. It is therefore difficult for contemporary readers to imagine a time when apologists for slaveholders were not limited to the Southern states and widespread assumptions regarding the innate inferiority of blacks made slavery morally and theologically justifiable to many Americans. Because black slaves were usually depicted by white southerners as helpless, childlike creatures who would prove utterly incapable of subsistence on their own, it followed logically that slavery was the most beneficial arrangement for both the simpleminded slave and his paternalistic master.

Viewed in its historical context , Herman Melville’s novella Benito Cereno, published less than a decade before the outbreak of the Civil War, is a bold and ironic exploration of the role race has played (and continues to play) in our national psyche. It is unsurprising that this tale about a successful slave rebellion was not celebrated by supporters of slavery in the years between the Nat Turner Rebellion and the Civil War.

Like many contemporary reviewers, Arnold Rampersad is excited by the deliberate militance of Babo’s rebellion. For Rampersad, Babo is not only the central protagonist of Benito Cereno, but a literary creation worthy of the accolade, “the most heroic character in Melville’s fiction” (164). This is a legitimate reading of the story which Rampersad cogently asserts by delineating Babo’s place in the pantheon of black protagonists, from Uncle Tom to Bigger Thomas. However, at the risk of disagreeing with one of our most distinguished critics, I would assert that there is an alternative reading of Benito Cereno. The perspective of Melville’s narrative suggests that Babo—although an outstanding a specimen of black manhood— is not the central focus of the story. According to this reading, Benito Cereno is not essentially about black people; it is about how white people choose to view black people.

American myths and fantasies regarding the true nature of black folks are brilliantly depicted by Melville in the person of the story’s narrator, Amasa Delano. Rampersad quotes C.L.R. James’s observation that Delano “itemized every single belief cherished by advanced civilization…about a backward people” (165). Indeed, Delano “cherishes” the notion that black people are inherently childlike creatures designed by his Creator to serve whites because it is a reassuring conviction: “There is something in the negro which, in a peculiar way, fits him for avocations about one’s person” (Melville 1356). For a Massachusetts seaman who had previously profited from slavery without having to confront it directly, a great deal of potential psychic pain is avoided by the way Delano would deny Africans their basic humanity. For Delano, slavery is simply another form of animal husbandry: “In fact, like most men of good, blithe heart, Captain Delano took to negroes, not philanthropically, but genially, just as other men to a Newfoundland dog” Melville 1357).

Delano, like many antebellum Northerners, refused to accept black people as fully human because doing so would have required him to confront the horrors of slavery. His “undistrustful good nature” represents the naïve willingness of prewar Notherners to accept Southern propaganda which defined slavery as a benign institution (Melville 1327). Rampersad neatly sums up Delano as “the embodiment of fantastic white liberal values (notably the famed American virtue called innocence)” (171). Delano’s innocence vis-à-vis slaves in Benito Cereno is so extreme that it beseeches readers to ask why Melville chose to tell this particular story from such a peculiar vantage point.

By presenting diabolical and treacherous black revolutionaries through the parallax view of a man incapable of detecting their humanity, Melville creates irony which approaches satire. The possibility that the slaves have indeed taken over the ship is so inimical to his world view that Delano invents fantastic explanations for the bizarre sequence of events he encounters on the San Dominick. Ironically, Delano’s initial response to the rebellion is to question the Benito Cereno’s breeding: “The man was an imposter. Some low-born adventurer, masquerading as an oceanic grandee.” Delano continues his internal debate concerning Benito Cereno’s authenticity right up until the inevitable slave uprising, virtually ignoring a plethora of evidence that it was the slaves who were running the ship. Despite several not-so-subtle clues, Delano is constitutionally incapable of entertaining the possibility that the slaves had taken over the San Dominick. Even when Benito Cereno and three white sailors leapt into the ocean, Delano still could not fathom that black men might ever be anything more than servants of white men. The final irony of Delano’s brief tenure on the San Dominick is his ridiculous assessment of the mutiny, where attempted murder is seen as evidence of the black man’s inborn domestication: “a servant, a dagger in his hand, was seen on the rail overhead, poised, in the act of leaping, as if with a desperate fidelity to befriend his master to the last” (Melville 1368).

Captain Delano’s outlandish naiveté when confronted by rebellious slaves in Benito Cereno is a metaphor for the manner in which many antebellum Northerners preferred to view African Americans. When Delano is unable to fathom the distress Benito Cereno feels with Babo holding a razor to his throat, Melville is suggesting that it is easier to accept the doctrine of white supremacy at a distance. Northerners who rarely had dealings with blacks were probably more susceptible to the comforting myths of innate black inferiority than the Southerners who interacted with slaves on a daily basis. By making the true nature of the rebellious slaves invisible to Delano, Melville demonstrates how persistent denial can be in the face of evil.

by Richard W. Bray

I Hate to be the One to Tell you this, but…

October 1, 2009

I Hate to be the One to Tell you this, but…

I didn’t wanna’ tell ya’
But your puppy just died
I heard it from Lester
Who cried and cried

I didn’t wanna’ tell ya’
But your house is on fire
I heard it from Terrence
You know he’s not a liar

I didn’t wanna’ tell ya’
But you stepped in poop
I heard it from Doris
Now you’re in the loop

I didn’t wanna’ tell ya’
But your car got jacked
I heard it from Albert
I doubt you’ll get it back

I didn’t wanna’ tell ya’
But your cat ran away
I heard it from Becky
Are you having a bad day?

I hate to spread so much bad news
But someone’s gotta’ say it
And certainly a friend would be
The one who should relay it

by Richard W. Bray

I Beg your Pardon

September 30, 2009

I Beg Your Pardon

Bonehead, moron, dirty bird
Dimwit, nitwit, nasty word
Peon, cretin, philistine
Dufus, dork , phrase obscene
Peabrain, putz, pinhead, punk
Wierdo, whacko, weasel, skunk
Knucklehead, stupidhead, hockey puck
Lamebrain, birdbrain, wounded duck
Halfwit, numbskull, idiot, freak
Sclemeel, schlemazel nincompoop, geek
Jerk, clown, lout, stupidhead
Kook, dolt, dunce, dunderhead,
Imbecile, fool, ignoramus
Simpleton, oaf, just the same as
A blockhead, dullard, ninny or flake,
Get off my foot, for goodness sake

by Richard W. Bray

You got Problems

September 29, 2009

You got Problems

You know what your problem is?

You talk too much
You’re way too vain
Your socks don’t match
You’re not quite sane
You got too many hobbies
You don’t like sports
You can’t make an omlette
You need new shorts
You read too many books
Your breath smells bad
You chose the wrong religion
You don’t know my dad
You never stop to listen
You’re from the wrong town
You can’t hit a curveball
Your hair is brown
You’re not in my club
You can’t climb a tree
You don’t speak French
You sing off key

There I said it,
Why can’t you just be
Someone who is
More like me?

by Richard W. Bray