Laughter hope sock in the eye's Blog

Baseball Cards

Mike Schmidt said to Rod Carew
“Round up a team to play my crew”
Carew found Bench, Yaz and Cey
“We’ll take you on any day”
Then Tom Seaver shouted out
“What’s the clamor all about?”
And Griffey the Elder and Tommy John
Jumped up and asked, “What’s goin’ on?”
And Reggie questioned Bobby Grich
“What time’s this game and who’s to pitch?”
Catfish Hunter was ready to start
So long as Thurman would play his part
They chose up teams and played for hours
Till it was time to hit the showers

In an old shoebox in a damp garage
They hit and pitch and throw and dodge
Waiting for Jimmy to come to play
But he grew up and moved away

by Richard W. Bray

Gilbert Mclean

Gilbert Mclean loves to complain
About his job and his car and his life
He can gripe and groan, growl and moan
All day long to his wife

His feet are too big, his shoes are too small
His boss, a tyrannical fool
His hair is too thin, his nose is too long
And he should have stayed in school

His house is too cold, his porch is too hot
His pants are torn in the rear
His dog is too loud, his boombox too quiet
And the end is always quite near

Dear Margaret Mclean is nearly insane
Alas, she can no longer hear
For her husband’s inane need to complain
Has blistered both of her ears

by Richard W. Bray

Tantrum

If you don’t do just what I want, I think I’ll have to scream
I’d really rather not, you know, and all in all, you seem
Like a man, fair and wise, one who would never dream
Of doing things which make me mad, one who I’d never deem

Unworthy of my highest praise unless, of course, you do
Not give in to all my taunts and take me to the zoo
In that case I will hold my breath till one of us turns blue
You see, of course, it’s not my fault. The blame must fall on you

If I drop dead or merely faint, you can’t say you weren’t warned
You’ll feel like a total jerk as I am being mourned
You’ll be ridiculed by friend and foe and quite roundly scorned
You’ll be cast as worse than Satan, a devil hooved and horned

So like I said, it’s up to you to do the thing that’s right
I can’t be held responsible if you don’t see the light
You must obey my every wish if you don’t want a fight
And do everything I ask of you, morning, noon, and night

by Richard W. Bray

Courageous Cowboys

Tennessee Tex and Cherokee Bob
Sat down by the fire one night
Bob said, “Tex, did you hear ‘bout the time
I was attacked by an angry mite?”

“He was fearsome but I kept my cool
And reached for my Bowie knife
I maneuvered him round and slipped away
And barely escaped with my life”

“Tex” said, Bob, “I am awfully impressed
You’re a model of courage and guile
It reminds me of that day last June
When I hiked for over a mile

“And I’m not talking about just any hike
I trekked through a treacherous terrain
The mall was crowded that afternoon
And my corns were causing great pain”

Then Idaho Biff sidled up to the fire
And asked to sit for a spell
They gladly obliged and shared their grub
He had many tales to tell

The hearty ranch hand had barely set down
And gotten some chow in his craw
When he said, “Hey fellas, I don’t suppose
That I ever revealed to y’all

“My glorious tale of derring-do
When the wicked Dakota winds blew
I’m a humble sort who never brags
But I’ll make an exception for you

“It was a windy, dark December day
Heading through the wicked Bambi Pass
When I lost sight of my dashboard controls
My S.U.V. plum run outta’ gas

“Like a true cowhand I knew what to do
I reached for my handy cell phone
The tow truck man was there in a flash
Thank goodness I wasn’t alone”

by Richard W. Bray

Mine

The houses and the buildings and everything you see
Each molecule for miles around. It all belongs to me
So if you want to live here, you have to pay me rent
Collected on the first each month, exactly to the cent

You ask me how I got so rich, I did it bit by bit
I began collecting years ago and simply never quit
I have storage bins and warehouses filled with all my things
It’s hard for me to say what joy each acquisition brings

Like the man who’s always eating, yet never feels fulfilled
My appetite for acquisition is impossible to kill
If I see it, I must have it. It’s no more complex than this
The desire deep inside me is an unfillable abyss

Each day I wake up early, I’m at my desk by four
It’s nice to have a lot of stuff, but better having more
In the world of human wishes, I am a grand colossus
I cannot forsake my fate, to be boss of all the bosses

I take no joy in what I have while I crave what I will gain
For all of my tomorrows will be chances to attain
More and more and more and more stuff that will be mine
But now I have to say goodbye. I have so little time

by Richard W. Bray

I Hate to be the One to Tell you this, but…

I didn’t wanna’ tell ya’
But your puppy just died
I heard it from Lester
Who cried and cried

I didn’t wanna’ tell ya’
But your house is on fire
I heard it from Terrence
You know he’s not a liar

I didn’t wanna’ tell ya’
But you stepped in poop
I heard it from Doris
Now you’re in the loop

I didn’t wanna’ tell ya’
But your car got jacked
I heard it from Albert
I doubt you’ll get it back

I didn’t wanna’ tell ya’
But your cat ran away
I heard it from Becky
Are you having a bad day?

I hate to spread so much bad news
But someone’s gotta’ say it
And certainly a friend would be
The one who should relay it

by Richard W. Bray

I Beg Your Pardon

Bonehead, moron, dirty bird
Dimwit, nitwit, nasty word
Peon, cretin, philistine
Dufus, dork , phrase obscene
Peabrain, putz, pinhead, punk
Wierdo, whacko, weasel, skunk
Knucklehead, stupidhead, hockey puck
Lamebrain, birdbrain, wounded duck
Halfwit, numbskull, idiot, freak
Sclemeel, schlemazel nincompoop, geek
Jerk, clown, lout, stupidhead
Kook, dolt, dunce, dunderhead,
Imbecile, fool, ignoramus
Simpleton, oaf, just the same as
A blockhead, dullard, ninny or flake,
Get off my foot, for goodness sake

by Richard W. Bray

You got Problems

You know what your problem is?

You talk too much
You’re way too vain
Your socks don’t match
You’re not quite sane
You got too many hobbies
You don’t like sports
You can’t make an omlette
You need new shorts
You read too many books
Your breath smells bad
You chose the wrong religion
You don’t know my dad
You never stop to listen
You’re from the wrong town
You can’t hit a curveball
Your hair is brown
You’re not in my club
You can’t climb a tree
You don’t speak French
You sing off key

There I said it,
Why can’t you just be
Someone who is
More like me?

by Richard W. Bray

Sunshine and Happiness

Melanie Margaret McClintock, The Third
Can’t stand to hear an encouraging word
So if you want to send her away
Here’s a list of words that you can say:

Sunshine and happiness, polka dots and pie
Puppy dogs and moonbeams, a clear blue sky
Friendship and families and root beer floats
Kindness and cleanliness and cozy woolen coats
Flowers and rainbows, warm winter gloves
Freedom and Motherhood, goodness and love
Birthdays and holidays, crunchy candy bars
Bubble baths and babies, twinkling little stars
Fairgrounds and Fridays, fun that’s always funny
Pinballs and pizza, a truck with loads of money
Grandpa and gumballs, a week at summer camp
Barbeques, fresh-cut lawns, a genie in a lamp
A night under the stars and a day at the beach
Everything that’s good and true, all within your reach

But if you are with Melanie, try to be polite
Speak of dark and gloomy days and long, depressing nights
Mention graveyards and garbage and grungy old grime
And the two of you are sure to have such a lovely time

by Richard W. Bray

Excuses, Excuses

Wonderful to see you
Wish I had more time
But I’ve been called upon to solve
Some uncommitted crime

Yesterday my fish died
Hope you understand
The funeral arrangements
Turned out to be quite grand

Sensible precautions
Clearly do dictate
It’s time to walk my hamster
The hour is getting late

Sadly, duty beckons
It’s my privilege to attend
A gathering to honor
An unnamed future friend

Saturday my car broke
When I drove across the street
And I could walk to greet you
If I didn’t have two sore feet

Happily, I promise
(Assuming I’m around)
To make time to see you
The next time you’re in town

by Richard W. Bray