Laughter hope sock in the eye's Blog

You got Problems

You know what your problem is?

You talk too much
You’re way too vain
Your socks don’t match
You’re not quite sane
You got too many hobbies
You don’t like sports
You can’t make an omlette
You need new shorts
You read too many books
Your breath smells bad
You chose the wrong religion
You don’t know my dad
You never stop to listen
You’re from the wrong town
You can’t hit a curveball
Your hair is brown
You’re not in my club
You can’t climb a tree
You don’t speak French
You sing off key

There I said it,
Why can’t you just be
Someone who is
More like me?

by Richard W. Bray

Sunshine and Happiness

Melanie Margaret McClintock, The Third
Can’t stand to hear an encouraging word
So if you want to send her away
Here’s a list of words that you can say:

Sunshine and happiness, polka dots and pie
Puppy dogs and moonbeams, a clear blue sky
Friendship and families and root beer floats
Kindness and cleanliness and cozy woolen coats
Flowers and rainbows, warm winter gloves
Freedom and Motherhood, goodness and love
Birthdays and holidays, crunchy candy bars
Bubble baths and babies, twinkling little stars
Fairgrounds and Fridays, fun that’s always funny
Pinballs and pizza, a truck with loads of money
Grandpa and gumballs, a week at summer camp
Barbeques, fresh-cut lawns, a genie in a lamp
A night under the stars and a day at the beach
Everything that’s good and true, all within your reach

But if you are with Melanie, try to be polite
Speak of dark and gloomy days and long, depressing nights
Mention graveyards and garbage and grungy old grime
And the two of you are sure to have such a lovely time

by Richard W. Bray

Excuses, Excuses

Wonderful to see you
Wish I had more time
But I’ve been called upon to solve
Some uncommitted crime

Yesterday my fish died
Hope you understand
The funeral arrangements
Turned out to be quite grand

Sensible precautions
Clearly do dictate
It’s time to walk my hamster
The hour is getting late

Sadly, duty beckons
It’s my privilege to attend
A gathering to honor
An unnamed future friend

Saturday my car broke
When I drove across the street
And I could walk to greet you
If I didn’t have two sore feet

Happily, I promise
(Assuming I’m around)
To make time to see you
The next time you’re in town

by Richard W. Bray

Fastidious Fred

Fastidious Fred makes his own bed
It takes him half an hour
And you can bet, if he breaks a sweat
He always takes a shower

Everyone knows, he irons his clothes
Until they look like new
“It takes all day,” he likes to say,
“But what’s a guy to do?”

“I demand perfection beyond detection
And will not tolerate
Things deficient or insufficient
Or somehow second rate”

He had a wife, the light of his life
But she did not make the cut
He sent her away one rainy day
When the door was improperly shut

“It may sound cruel, but I need my rules
They bring order to my life
Discipline and a strict regimen
Protect me from chaos and strife”

Fred lives alone in an immaculate home
And no one comes to see him
His house is clean and downright pristine
But no one wants to be him

by Richard W. Bray